Tag Archives: today i am

Getting Naked

I, sir/madam, am f@#% awesome. I live with millions of ideas in my head and I am not afraid to dream. Yup, I can be a tad bit selfish and self-absorbed and, yes, those are flaws o’mine (aside from a few others we’ll work on later). I am a mess (you should see my sink and my brain) and I am an aspiring neat freak who can’t quite seem to get the neat part right. I am a tumbleweed on this path called Lost and I am in a sea of many. I am up. I am down. And all of that, each little nuance, is a-effing-mazing. But…who gets to see it?

No one. God, I suppose. He sees all but mainly because He’s all up in through there regardless of what I want. I only allow people to see who I think is appropriate. Common sense tells us our parents shouldn’t see the person we are with our friends. Common sense tells us our bosses shouldn’t see the person we are under the covers with our boo. But outside of common sense…who’s naked? Like all the time—naked?

Me. Today at least. I am naked. I am stripping off the proverbial clothes and dancing in the streets (butt) crack out. If anyone does not like what they see, they have eyelids…they can close em. Today is the day I awaken from this terrible slumber—I pull back the fog of dreariness and the black hole of to-do’s and uncover.

I am a beautiful, twisted mess. I eat too much, am kind too little and drive too fast. I bust knee caps in daydreams, save babies in love and hoard paper in greed. I crave naps, swim in coffee and aspire to tri. I am a bad friend, so-so daughter, and weirdo. Where there is darkness, there is also light. They say there can’t be both but I am living proof there is. I am living proof that there really are two sides to every individual narrative. I live in proof there is a fine line to be walked and a good fight to be won.

I am f@#% awesome. Period.

~SM

Stand By

Over the last few days (ever since the book episode), I have been thinking how I can (a) better serve my growth journey over these next 18 months and (b) how I can be of service to others as they grow. Being Sadie May was never really about anyone or anything outside of…well…Sadie. It started out as a therapy practice, thanks to a suggestion from a friend. But, if I haven’t learned anything but this–I have learned that people/places/things/ideas evolve. So, in the spirit of being an ever-changing-human with the ability adapt to moving ideas, I am going to take a few days, get myself prepared, take the road map I have tucked away in my office and navigate this journey completely and totally out loud.  Oh boy. This is gonna be fun 🙂

~SM

 

Pride & Surprise

What moments and milestones make you most proud? How did God surprise you? (Grit & Virtue)

Every morning, I drag myself into the daycare with Cookie in tow. Eyes still filled with sleep and a silent begging to the lottery gods, I open the door and plant the baby on the floor. I hand over bottles and baby food and ready myself for the next leg of my morning journey. On these mornings, body still aching for the bed, Mrs. J greets us with a smile and asks the rudimentary questions any caregiver should ask. Unsure of how this one morning turned, we got on the topic of my job which then turned into a conversation about me being a writer which steered into the direction of her being a writer too. She wanted to write a book, but was unsure of where to start. A children’s book, go figure. If anyone could, she most definitely should. You have to be sent from God to deal with a room full of slobbering, snotting, crying, peeing/pooping little humans day in and day out. “Hm, I have something for you,” I said. The next morning, I handed her the last (hard) copy of my book. She beamed and said she would read it over the Christmas break and return it when we came back. I waved her off and told her to keep it. It was just collecting dust in a drawer anyway.

There are many moments when I am proud. I am proud of The Boy and all of his accomplishments on the field and his heart off it. I am proud of The Girl and her resourcefulness and her ability to sincerely care for others. I am proud of Young Gun fighting through grief and sadness and still look to the brighter side. I am proud of my parents for still grinding and still giving. I am proud of everyone in my life who does. The only person I am ever, hardly proud of…is me. But this morning, a break in the clouds came and a little warmth buzzed in my belly. This morning, I was proud.

Today was unlike any other. I shuffled into the room, Cookie in hand, ready to just crawl back into bed. “Today I have a purpose!” Mrs. J exclaimed through a broad, gap-toothed smile. For the last few weeks, she has been throwing quotes my way. They are mine. My words. She uses the book/journal as her daily devotional. This morning’s message was to go back to the point in your life when you were doing something that made you happy, really, really happy. She did. She found it was writing. She proceeded to tell me in a rush of words that Today I AM was a blessing. It has helped her so much thus far and she loved it. I sheepishly nodded and smiled. “Great! That was the point. If it helped just one person…” I said with a smile. I kissed Cookie and waved good-bye, smiling to myself just a bit. How ‘bout that.

To actually hold the book in my hands was amazing enough. I had done it. I had taken everything I had gone through over the course of these last four years and managed to make a work of art. I left it on the shelf (literally and figuratively) for the better part of the year due to extenuating circumstances, but in the 11th hour, she appeared again. God surprised me, alright. He not only allowed me to accomplish a major goal, but He made the broken pieces more meaningful than I could have ever imagined. And, yet, He didn’t stop there. He used it all to help someone else become a better them. I shouldn’t be surprised by what He does. But I am.

In the wise words of The Anchorman, I am a glass case of emotion. Just under the surface, there is pride, gratitude, and praise. I am proud of my abilities. I am grateful He chose to use me. I am dancing on the inside thanking Him for loving me enough to put so much greatness in such an unworthy package. Won’t He do?

~Today I HAVE purpose…SM

Freestyle Friday: God Is Good

All the time. Won’t He just do it? Isn’t He just on time all of the time? I love God just because He is God. His dreams for me are bigger than I could ever fathom. His vision stretches farther than my vision could ever go. His direction is correct every time. So, for those who need a little reminder of how good He is and the job you still have left to do–here it goes. Whenever I am feeling the need for nudge for focus on the Greater, this is what I blast. Happy Friday! And keep rockin–you’ve got this. Just trust. It all works for your good.

Today I AM: Detoxing

Today I AM detoxing. There is debate as to whether detoxes are necessary. Some experts say it isn’t and some say it is ok to reset your clock every now and then. I think, whether you are for or against detoxing, we can all agree on one thing: If you let too much junk in, you are eventually going to pay the ultimate price–your peace.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I ate 6 added pounds worth of crap. My belly is bloated, I feel icky, I have low energy, and my body just overall hates me right now–and with good reason. The peaceful balance had been up-ended. I stuffed her full of food. So, this morning on the way to work, I decided to commit to a (2) day juice detox. Just juice for (2) whole days (ugh). I can’t say for certain (right now at this very carb cranky moment) that I feel all that cleansed, but I know in the end I will.

Sometimes, you have to stop yourself, take inventory, and clean house. It could mean deafening the outside world for a bit. It could mean keeping your purse closed for a minute. It could mean swearing off dating for a second. It could mean being silent and listening for a long while. Or it could simply mean drinking juice for (2) straight….days (ugh).  But no matter the reason for the detox, it is always a good idea every once and a while. Re-up. Re-load. Reset. And (for no other reason than not looking 6 months pregnant) I plan to do just that today. My stomach is growling, I think I actually saw my fingers as chicken tenders, and my bladder is about to burst but it is all worth it. I have peace knowing I loved myself enough to clean house.

~SM

Today I AM: Back To Happy

I can honestly say I am happy. I can also honestly say I have not completely found joy, but with the new found happiness I believe I am moving in the right direction.

Perhaps the dark veil has been lifted or maybe I just decided to not give a damn. Either way it happened. The long self-talks and the even longer steamy hot showers, the weekend brunches and the dating (self) have proven to be helpful tools in recovery. I have been able to weed the Garden of Sommer and learn to take every day one moment at a time.

I was a die hard planner. Always have been, really, but after having kids planning (and back-up planning) became an essential part of life. When the winds of change came huffing, puffing and blowing my house down, I realized all of the plotting and planning in the world could not save anything. All of the lists and calendars and control-freak tendencies would never make life easier….it only prolonged the eventual crazy.

Each day, I get up, I say thanks to God, read the verse of the day and the rest is up for debate. I don’t worry about the day ahead, who has what, who is going where, or why they are doing/going/seeing/moving/saying. Each quarter of my day is based on simplicity. Some days, like any other human, I get in my own stupid way, but for the most part I float.  Nothing is left to order…everything is left to chance.

It is liberating to just simply let go. You hear people say it all of the time. “Let go and let God” or “If you love something, let it go” or just simply “Let it go”. Eckart Tolle says it best when he says all we have is right now, this moment. Letting go has helped me to become a happier individual. The only plan I am currently making is to stick around in Happy Town for a bit. It feels so good to be back.

~SM

Today I AM: Gifting

Today I AM gifting. I love giving gifts. Giving is a special experience, if it is done right. It is a rare peek into the brain of the giver. The receiver gets to see how they are being viewed, are they being listened to, and if they are truly appreciated. Every once in a while I find myself buying a muffin or a card (that never gets sent…my post office skills are horrid) or a small trinket just to say ‘I see you’. Today, I am seeing someone. Unsure of who just yet, but I feel the gift of giving stirring around in my belly. I hope it makes a difference in their day….it will certainly make a difference in mine 🙂

~SM