Tag Archives: playing with heart

Lucky In Love

I found myself asking the question Why didn’t he love me? to a friend the other day. We were in the throws of deep marital discussion and before I could stop my brain from speaking out loud…it did. She smiled. “You’re lucky! It doesn’t matter if he loved you or not. You loved him, right?” I shrugged. “You got to know love, then. Not everyone gets to know what that is like.”

After careful thought a few days later, I realized she was spot on. I had experienced love, for however long it lasted, I had been in love. I had felt the butterflies and the high. I took off the armor. I smiled at the thought of them or the sound of their voice. I had been able to say ‘I love you’ and mean it. It had come into my life and I was happy. I swatted away the sadness I had once felt about losing my marriage and even the judgement that came along with how or why. I was lucky. And the more I thought it, the more I realized I get to do it all over again every single day.

Love surrounds us every day, every second. We get to breathe it in and live in it. We have the opportunity to give it away and heal others and ourselves with it. We get to see the world through different eyes because of it. Love…it can kinda suck. But…then…it doesn’t. There is nothing else like it.  The thought of love, finding it again (if I do), is scary–it sorta makes my heart ache, but the thought of living a life without it is even scarier.

After careful thought of what my friend said, I started thanking God for allowing me to love and lose. He allowed me to love and love again. I get to experience love with friends, family, pets, nature, and my children every minute of every day. No, it isn’t romantic love and that is ok. I have had it before…twice actually…and I can gladly live with that.  After all, as Alfred Lloyd Tennyson said, ’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

~SM

Mind Games

Remember the whole Heels & Lip Gloss thing? Yea, so, I have come to the conclusion it is all pretty much in my head. Silently, I am having this whirl wind love affair with a guy who probably thinks I’m nuts for giggling whenever he walks into the room. I mean, sure, his arms have man veins and his hands look all strong and junk and yes he’s tall and he definitely looks dashing in a uniform…but what else is there?

I know this dude not. He could be a complete asshole or a wimp or a dog, yet when he walks into the room or speaks to me (as if I am his school teacher, mind you) I can’t help but blush. Hell…I’m smiling right now! But it is indeed all in my head.

I am uncertain if he really knows of the attraction–I doubt it. When we do happen to share the same space there is tension in the air, not a negative tension–more like a shy kind of what-do-i-say tension. But perhaps that is all in my head too! Maybe when he is waiting for the microwave or looking in my direction he is thinking about how random I am or wondering why I laugh so loud or why I seem to find menial tasks to do in the kitchen. (Seriously–does it take 10 minutes to wash a fork?) Either way you slice it, it seems to be all in my head and that’s ok. A girl’s gotta have something to look forward to, right?

In all honesty, it is fun. It is an escape from the reality which is my life. For just a little while I get to be the object of someone’s pretend-all-in-my-head affections. As it stands now, if he did ask me out I would probably hold my breath until I turned blue. What would I do? What could I say? How would I handle it? In my head he overhears me talking about taking in a Braves game and asks me if I would like to go this weekend. Of course I answer with a surprising sexy cool laced with “this is purely platonic” answer. In my head we never seem to talk on the phone or go out on an actual date but he does ask. In reality, when we are sharing space I never say a word. I fumble and speak quickly. So, just imagine if he actually flirted with me for real and did, indeed, ask me out on a date. (Do people do that anymore or is it just penis pics and phone sex?)

Silly, I know, but it’s keeping my silly self entertained. It keeps me giggling and smiling and imagining something better. It keeps me in heels and preparing what to wear the night before (as opposed to 15 minutes before having to leave for work). I have found the joy in pencil eyeliner and playing with eye shadow again. No, a man, imaginary attraction or not, should have no bearing on how good I feel about myself (which it doesn’t really…I am pretty kick ass if I do say so myself. Let’s all clap for growth), but it makes finding the new me a little more fun. Who can argue with fun?

~SM

Today I AM: Playing with Heart

Today I AM playing with heart. It is often said during a sports program when describing a particular player. It is a phrase that means when the chips are down or when the odds seem stacked, you put your heart on the line. It stops being about the win or the trophy or the paycheck. It is more about standing up for what you believe in and pushing past your breaking point. My son plays sports and this weekend a player was injured–badly. It was not my son (thank goodness…I would have heard about that injury until I was on my death bed), but it hurt our (the parents/players/spectators) hearts just the same.  Seeing the boys paint their faces with their teammate’s number–having the courage to go beyond their own shock/hurt and lay every ounce of sweat on the line showed heart. Today the boy’s sister rolled him out into the dugout where he sat in a wheelchair with a cast on his leg in the early morning heat to watch his teammates play. To hear one of the parents tell it, he was worried (after the injury) if he got the out. That, to me, is heart. To play until the last second as if it is your very last second….to support those who stand in the gap with you…to look on the positive side of something quite negative is playing with heart.  Today I play with heart. Today I reach up and out, past who I was–past who I want to be–past who I will be and play as if it is my very last second…support those who stand in the gap with me…and worry about if I actually got the out.

~SM