Tag Archives: new life

Transcending Flesh

I was explaining to a friend the randomness I have been experiencing as of late. She listened patiently, nodding in silent agreement of being there once or twice, and when I was done rambling she said something that made the randomness make perfect sense.

Lately, I have had somewhat of an out of body experience, for lack of better words. It feels like I am wearing the suit of someone else. I am wearing a life that does not quite belong to me. I am the round peg being forced into a triangular hole.

Nothing in my current life feels comfortable. My mind and my spirit are in one place and my flesh and circumstances are in another. I liken it to a baby who knows (feels) they can walk, wants to walk, but their body is limited to something different.

I feel travel, I feel financial security, I feel loving relationship, I feel healthy body, I feel enjoyable career, I feel freedom, I feel wisdom, I feel happiness….at any given moment my spirit and mind leave the “building” and I am tortured by being physically stuck in a place that does not feel comfortable and by being mentally stuck in a place where I need to be.

Upon explaining this predicament which makes me seem like a great candidate for medication, my friend calmly took it all in and simply said “Your spirit and your mind have transcended the transition while your flesh and your circumstances are playing catch up.”

Deep, right? Yea…I know. I was speechless too. It made perfect sense. My spirit and my mind are finally on one accord and they have moved past this holding pattern in which my flesh and my circumstances are apparently stuck.  It makes me feel better to know that I am not losing it, but the knowing then begs the question: What do I do about it? “You are going to have to be patient, keep moving forward and working toward catching up,” she said.

~SM

The Bees Knees

Guess what? You’re it! You are the bees knees. Give yourself a high five and a pat on the back. Not everyone sees what you do behind the scenes and not everyone appreciates it. Not everyone sees the grime and muck you have to wade through. But you do it! You put your boots and get to the business of doing what needs to be done daily. You. Are. Astounding. Even when you are covered in the muck and grime, your beauty continues to shine through. You know your stuff. You burn the midnight oil. You repair. You battle. You uplift. You walk tall. You get knocked down and yet you keep on going. Girl, give yourself a hug and a new pair of shoes…you deserve that and then some!

~SM

The Mind

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. The older I become, the more and more I find truth in that statement.

When the Boy & Girl were younger, I spent most of my days in the Stupid-Haze. The Stupid-Haze is the cloud of stupidity that follows you around and numbs all your good common sense and every ounce of your education (both schoolhouse and life). You start speaking in broken English and wondering why you were in the grocery store (sigh).

Part of the reason why I found myself in the idiot predicament was because I stopped working on the gray (or grey…I’m still working on it) matter.  I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped having adult conversation that did not consist of kids, cartoons and bills. I stopped coloring, drawing and painting. I stopped playing games and laying on the grass. I stopped feeding my spirit. Instead I dumbed myself down by numbing myself.

A day came when I became aware of my new found stupidity and something needed to be done. I began moving back to what I loved–learning.  When we stop learning, we stop creating. When we stop creating, we stop living.  When we stop living, we stop evolving. Evolution is essential to Spirit survival.  A healthy, happy spirit is nourished by the constant openness (and willingness) to be still and learn.

Naturally, that takes a bit of effort through reading, writing, meditating, and creating, and that suites me just fine. I am committed to the process of learning through various channels and opening up my mind to what is possible both inside and outside of myself.

~SM

Today I AM: Retreating

Today I AM retreating. In this day and age it is essential with information coming at us 24/7. I get overwhelmed with the constant updates on other people’s lives and my focus is lost. This balancing act is a tough one when there is no focus. So, today, I am making the conscious decision to put up fences and give myself some breathing room….to purge the outside junk that found its way in. I will focus on silence and meditation. I will focus on what goes in and what goes out. I will be move in silence and absorb nature. I will walk, breath, move, speak, and pray with intention. Today I will reset, refocus, revive.

~SM

Restless and Waiting

I feel like I am going effing batty. I have this fireball of energy swirling around in my belly with no where to deposit it. Of course I could try to run it away or clean it away, but this is the type of energy that does not require physical activity. It is that burning desire for more…the more.

I sit at my desk and I can feel the vibration of doing something outside of filing or typing or answering phones. The ease of life…the light of a life that I can see but not touch is driving me insane! When I am outside or traveling or at home or relaxing bookshelf side or soaking up the Starbucks ambiance I feel….free.  Free…not bottled up or hindered or held back or imprisoned. I feel breath and peace and light and airy.

I ask friends and family but no one can really tell me what to do. I pray, but the answers are obviously escaping me. I write and read and draw and color and sing and dance and eat and search yet nothing comes. Is my soul in on something my brain has no clue about? Is there some big thing happening behind the scenes?

I am restless. Restless, restless. There is more out there and whatever it is it’s just for me but I can’t touch it or taste it or see it–I can only feel it.  It almost feels like being a kid a week before Christmas. Presents are scattered under the tree making room for more to come. There are big boxes, small boxes, pretty paper and bows–all with your name on it. What are they? What’s in them? If you touch them or even look like you want to, you are liable to get into trouble–so you sit…you stare…you wait….I suppose this is my week before Christmas and all I can do is sit….stare….and wait. Ugh.

~SM

Joy In Between

Your spirit gets weary with the battles you fight daily. You battle in your home. You battle in your heart. You battle in your mind. You battle on your job and it seems like there is no rest…ah, but joy…Joy is waiting in the in between. Those quiet moments in the morning, the sight of your child at rest, the laughter of a loved one, the deep breath you take before beginning again are all apart of the joy in between. Find your joy in those moments, gather your strength, refocus on your goals, and just lift your hands to say thank you. Grab your small moments of joy and hold them close. They are the fuel you need to take it one day, one moment, one small battle at a time.

~SM

Today I AM: Wanting the More

Today I AM wanting the more. Yesterday ended a very nice trip out of town. Of course pulling up in the driveway was nice and seeing familiarity was good, however, I still was not ok. I wanted the more. You know…the more…the more out of life lurking in the shadows. I no longer want the mediocre. I no longer want the “well…it’s a _____” or the “at least it’s ____”.  I want the sigh of “I can’t believe I’m doing/seeing/holding ___” and big smiles. I want the ability to chart my own territory. I want the more.  I need the more. I feel stifled and unhappy without it. I feel held back and out of place. There is more–I can feel it vibrating above, beside, below. There is more…there is the more…there is my more…and I want it.

~SM

Today I AM: A Traveler

Today I AM a traveler.  For months and months I have been pining to travel. I have watched planes fly over head and wished I could just reach up and go too. I have planned vacations that I am pretty sure I can’t possibly afford. I have thumbed through the blank pages of my passport and reminded myself that I have 9 years left to make it useful. I have stared at maps and flipped through travel magazines all to remind myself that there is more out there to see and do and feel. Today (albeit I didn’t go very far) I am a traveler. I traveled to a different time zone, breathed different air, drove on different roads and even though it isn’t that major of a distance–it is a world away for me. I am so giddy! This is what I have been waiting for…to just pack a bag (or 4) and go. Oh the places I will go….

~SM

Feed the Warrior

We all have one, right? She’s in there. You feel her in the boardroom and you feel her at the PTA meeting.  She is apart of your every day.  Some of us know how to feed her while others of us (raises hand slowly) are just standing by, nervously, watching her starve to death.

I gotta be honest here and tell you that I think my warrior is on her death bed. The doctor came by and told me to just shut off the machines because it was pointless (sad face). However, being the stubborn kinda girl I am, I refuse to do so because I know how strong she can be.

My chick has been waiting. Can you imagine a wild animal tearing at the bars of its cage? Welp…that’s my girl.  She’s ruthless. She’s cut throat. And she’s hungry. She feeds off of words like “can’t” “you will never” “they are better than you”.  I killed her, I think.  I killed her because I thought as a wife and mother  I was suppose to–she’s selfish and there’s no room for selfish when you are raising a family. Everyone’s needs must come before your own…right? There is no room for ruthless and cut throat. There is only room for cupcakes, PTA meetings, late night sex, and marital forgiveness. There is no room for f-u’s and hair over diapers. There is no room for me over everyone else–that is not the balance. The balance is emptying out her to allow more room for them.  There is only room for diagnosis of death and the unplugging of the machines.

She stayed down as long as she could, but with my current circumstances being what they are she’s raring and ready to go.  The only way I know to fuel her is through sweat…and blood…and tears…literally.  I work well under physical pressure, which is exactly what I plan to do. Train for a marathon? Bring it.  Do a Tri? I eat pain for breakfast.  Lift heavy? I’m on it.  Run Disney? I’m in it. I’m ready. She’s ready. Let the games begin…