Tag Archives: money

Being Helpful

I have about $34 to my name currently. I also have a $20 bill nestled safely and sweetly in my wallet. It has lived there for the past 3 weeks. On top of the $34 and the $20 I have about $1000+ I will  spend in the next few days for a baseball trip–of which I currently do not have. Go figure. The only reason why I have not drowned my sorrows in cake and ice cream just yet is because I have faith that He will make everything okay. But you know what they say…faith without work is dead. So, I decided to put in a little bit of work.

I hate asking for help. I would sit in the dark with only candles for light before I opened my mouth to ask for help. It is unfortunate, but it is who I am. I am learning, however, that that is what family and friends are for. So I put a little bit of my head on their shoulders when my back is crushing the wall. This week (please reference the $1000+ above) my spine is cracking the drywall. I asked for help.

My aunt and uncle were one of the first to answer the call. When my uncle answered the call, he reminded me to tithe. It was a funny thing he had mentioned it because it was nothing more than confirmation. Just a week prior I had prayed about my situation (as a whole) and what I should do and the only thing that came back was that. It stayed on my mind for days afterward–you know that nagging pull and tug? Yes, that was it. Okay God, I understand. I have a plan. Starting July 1 I would have it all in place. So–yea–the thing about God and plans….

Remember the mention of that sweet little $20 bill I have tucked away? It is no longer tucked–in my wallet anyway. YG came into the office looking for food to feed his face. He also mentioned that he was trying to drum up cab fare for a lady who had been sitting in the lobby trying to figure out how she would get to where she needed to go. Angel tap, mental nod, bye bye $20. He took a $20 bill out of his wallet ready to hand it to her and I slipped my $20 out too. “You sure?” He said. “Yup.” I said. “Ok, I will try to get you your money back.” I shook my head. “No need. I don’t want it back.” And truthfully, I didn’t.

Someone sewed a seed for me in my time of need and it seemed only fitting that I did the same. The Angel tap didn’t hurt either. I have learned not to argue with God or to hem and haw at His instruction. We have no idea what His plan is. It feels good to be helpful when I am in need of help. To be able to give openly knowing it is His will and for His good and not my own, feels right. I like feeling good and right. It also feels kinda cool to get my sweet little $20 back…she didn’t need quite so much after all 🙂

~SM

Death (And Other Grown-Up) Prepping

I am a single, 35 year old mother of 2 with no life insurance, disability insurance, retirement fund or emergency fund. If a bird shits on my life the wrong way everything collapses. I am on the brink of turning 36 and I suppose it is time for me to become a real, live grown-up. First thing first—Death Prepping.

The hardest thing a person will probably ever do for themselves and for their families is create, read and sign their Last Will & Testament. I spent last night’s baseball practice reading and re-reading my Will. It puts lots of things into perspective, especially when you do not have much to leave behind.

I read through the Will, imagining The Girl and The Boy sitting in a lawyer’s office listening to him read my last wishes. Morbid. But necessary. Being prepared for your death is less about you–it is about who you are leaving behind.

I think the thought of doing a Living Will came from (don’t judge me) Grey’s Anatomy. Derrick dying, Meredith having to make whatever decisions, Bailey bugging Ben about what he wanted to do in case it was left up to her–it all translated into real life. What if something did happen to me? Would my loved ones know what I wanted? Hell…did I really know what I wanted? The Will was easy to deal with…the Living Will was what had me reeling.

Thinking about what I wanted done in the event of something I cannot possibly predict was hands down harsh. What if I am pregnant? Do they save me and then the baby? Or just let me go and save the baby? What if they want to amputate a limb? Will it save my life? Can they leave the limb and still figure out a way to save me? How long, if at all, do I want to be hooked up to machines? Who will I appoint to carry out these wishes and pray they do not let their emotions get in the way? See…I told ya…harsh.

To ease some of the morbid tension between my future self and my sick/dead self, I decided to focus on something a little bit more cheery: Retirement. My plan has been (and continues to be) to live out the rest of my days in a Charleston beach house with the ocean as my back yard, teaching horny 20 year olds about literature and writing. I refuse to be 65 skrimping to live. I want to actually set my bills to auto-pay. I want to have several commas in my savings accounts and no negatives in my checking accounts. I want to be able to live in peace with no financial worries.

Planning for your death, sickness, and retired life is exhausting. I was so tired by the time I got done with all of that, I had to go to bed early. But, when I laid my head down on the pillow, I felt accomplished. I felt ready. I felt…like a grown-up.

~SM

Why You Mad?

During my cable having OWN Lifeclass Super Soul Sunday watching days, I learned that anger is not anger at all really…it’s fear. Unable to get a grasp on the road raging complaining mumbling week I had and why, I realized all of it was coming from fear. But what am I afraid of?

Everything is going well. The kids are fine. The living quarters are ok. The Mom Bus is hanging in there. Work is work, but fine. Romantic life is swimming. Weight loss is a bitch, but hey–that’s no surprise. So of all of the things spinning on the little planet of Me, what could I possibly be presenting itself as a fear? I suppose it could be several things. Life never presents itself in a nice neat little package all of the time. Sometimes you actually have to pay attention.

I wrote down a list of all the things happening currently and the one with the most potential was money. Money. I have none. It is a stresser that seems to grip my spine and shake the living shit out of it. It shakes and shakes until I am nothing more than a puddle of weeping flesh. Blood is definitely being squeezed out of this turnip.

I do not understand what I am doing wrong. I have a plan. I try to execute it and it all goes to poop by pay day. Something breaks or a kid needs something or a utility company wants money. Nothing seems to be enough and enough seems to be nothing. It is a vicious cycle of disappointment, and unfortunately it is a fearful place to reside.

At any moment I am afraid of my entire world crashing down. Just one little thread being pulled and the fabric of Sadie’s World will be unraveled. A person cannot live in that fear space for long, and unfortunately it festers and becomes anger. Anger soon turns to bitterness. And bitterness is just plain ugly (I do not desire to be unattractive at any point….ever).

So what is a girl to do? Find a sugar daddy? Young Gun might not approve. Work a pole? The onlookers may not like what they see. Waitress? Yea….if you know me you know that would never work. What to do, what to do? I suppose first things first: Pray. Then just deal. Even at the most inopportune times when the thread was being pulled, Sadie’s World did not completely unravel. It felt like it, but it didn’t. It never does. I just have to hold onto that knowledge, take a breath, and rework the plan–whatever that is. I have to step back and release the fear thus releasing the anger too.

~SM

 

I Don’t Wanna Grow Up…

I’mma Toys R Us kid… Yea, I knew you were singing that in your head too. If you are anything like me, your head was bopping side to side in tune with the phantom music of the ad/slogan, whatever. You know why that song is still stuck in your head years after outgrowing most of the crap in that store? Because deep down, none of us really want to grow up (true story)

I am uncertain if I am a big baby (The Bestie would be quick to counter that statement), but at the age of almost 36 I do still call my parents Mommy and Daddy. I am still influenced by their opinions and yes, I do still get all butterfly snuggly at the thought of slipping onto my dad’s side of the bed after he’s left for work and snoring my mom awake. No part of me wants to grow up now that I know what grown up looks like. Ewww…I no want it.

The thought of actually being a grown up came while sitting at batting practice, bundled up in a pea coat, doing budget spreadsheets for 2015. The day before I spent the evening finishing up the 2015 vision board and color coding a shiny new 2015 desk calendar. Those are things grown ups do. I spent the morning thinking about the next ten years and where exactly I did not want to be at the end of them and none of those things included coloring books and candy. Ugh.

If I had my way, we would still take naps and wear shoes that light up. PB & J would be a staple and hard plastic lunch boxes with cartoon characters on the front would be the latest accessory. Recess would be a must and Ultimate Frisbee  would be better than football. Forts would be our vacation houses and sour, lip smacking candy would be on deck for breakfast. If I had my way….I would never grow up and I would not insist on others growing with me.

But I suppose it is a little hard to go back to all of that (1) knowing what I know and (2) being as big as I am. Play Place slides and ball pits would not exactly support my size.  At any rate, I am not really in the mood to do the hard stuff, but at this point, I think that is all that is left.

So if you see me swinging on swings or coloring with my tongue poked out or playing on monkey bars or getting vomit-dizzy on the merry-go-round, don’t judge. Just nod and proceed about your grown up life…..or come join me. The more the merrier.

~SM

Getting My Shit Together

I have got to get my shit together. I finally snapped out of the cloud of ambiguity and now I am slapping myself for not planning accordingly. There are several items on the List of To Do’s for 2015. Normally, I do not engage in the whole new year’s resolution thing, but I am afraid I will have to give it the ol’ college try (only better than I actually did in college…sigh).

I do not plan on revealing everything on the List of To Do’s here because I am still working on the whole transparency/vulnerability thing (ok…there’s one for the List), but I will reveal two of the most important for (mostly) selfish reasons: accountability.

Numero Uno: I gotta get this fat off of my body. I have been complaining about this forever and the older I get the more I want it gone. Young Gun challenged me to a weight loss duel. I probably should not have taken the challenge, however, I am a sucker for competition. Dude is 11 years younger than me with strength and reflexes like Superman. I, on the other hand, have the strength and reflexes of an old fat cat. Never the less, I took him up on his challenge and now I am adding another ticking clock to my already crowded shelf of ticking time bombs (Half Iron Man 2015, Marathon 2015…should I bother naming more craziness???). The goal: Reach 175lbs by June 30th. Doable, right? You’d think so considering I should know how to do this shit already but, err, uh…my brain/body is revolting.

Numero Dos: I gotta get my finances under control. Luckily, I do not have much debt–hardly any really–but the little I do have, I want it gone. I want to be able to sign on the dotted line in 2020 for the Beach House and pay cash. I want to be able to support the kids financially while they are in college so they don’t pick up the bad habit of being 18 with credit cards. I want to be able to start the Business and the Foundation. Shoot, I want to use my passport before it expires naked! I don’t make much but living takes everything I have. I need to operate on a budget and stick with it, no matter what.

Those are some grown up, important goals, right? I think so, too. Life is what it is, we all know that, but we have to strive to live our best lives or else it will be wasted. My best life is being fit, both physically and financially. Guess I’d better get to workin’ on that. I can’t keep letting life pass me by and I can’t keep living in this fog of numb. I gotta get my ish together–it’s about time. ;P

~SM