Tag Archives: love

The Boy: A Born Day Love Letter

Boy,

Maybe one day, when you are old and gray (like me lol) you will come across this letter. I will not dare give it to you now, you will not be able to absorb most of what I am about to say.

God gives us choice, free will. He allows us to come and go, be and do as we see fit, and yet there are times in life (usually the big moments) He introduces us to something greater than ourselves. Such was the case with you.

Your father and I have not done everything right, but if we have done just the least little bit correct, it was having you and your sister. Most parents will look at their children and say they are cute or special, but for us this is not the case. You are truly special. It has been all over you, even before you were born.  I knew it watching you move from one side of my belly to the other. I knew it watching you attempt to run long before you learned to walk (or crawl for that matter). I knew it seeing you step onto the baseball field for the first time.

You have grown into an amazing young man with such love and such heart it is almost scary to think of you out in the world with such depth. Not everyone will see it, nor should they be privy to it. You may not always understand your own depth or your own emotions, and that is perfectly okay. God crafted you to be exactly who you are for the greater good. You, son, will forever serve the greater good if you keep yourself humble, thankful, loving, and giving.

Never stop growing. Always be a student of the game. Keep competing. Keep protecting. Keep striving. Keep pushing. Nothing can stop you from that which is divinely yours. People/Things will try to break your concentration…to change your tracks…but keep your head on and keep it clear. Hold onto your vision and you will, indeed, reach the prizes awaiting.

I am uncertain if you will ever become what you are hoping. I am uncertain if I will ever get to sit in the outfield, right behind you, watching you draped in pinstripes. I am uncertain if I will ever see you awarded for an honor or a broken record. I am uncertain of your path or your destination, but I am certain about one thing and this only: You are truly, deeply, unconditionally loved.

Yours Always,

Mommy

Changing Status

There. I said it. I have been keeping it close to the chest for a few days now, unsure of the reaction it would elicit (unsure of my own reaction).

It feels strange. Not that anything has changed per say, but just the fact that there is now another layer being added to our–uhh–The Us is an odd fit (saying the word ‘relationship’ when speaking of the romantic variety is hard to actually say…it gets stuck in my throat…it’s a work in progress).

For the past 5 months or so, Young Gun and I have been conversing on a friendly (but a little more than friendly) level. Butterflies, stolen flirty glances, and swift middle school kisses have floated in and out of our pretend relationship for a while. I made sure to keep all options open (as did he) and just simply enjoy the pretend. Funny thing about pretending–if you do it long enough, you are bound to start the real thing.

Quite honestly (despite the apparent inability to say the word ‘relationship’), I am happier. He does not expect me or want me to be anything other than myself. He totally digs my fro, prefers jeans, sneeks, and a naked face over 5″ heels and short skirts, and believes I can do whatever I put my mind to. When I told him about The Marathon, he didn’t double over in laughter for 10 minutes (yes…that actually happened to me before). When my hair is huge & ridiculously fro-ish, he gives me a high five and smiles. When he sees me in jeans and a tee shirt, it is like metal to a magnet. I can say weird stuff or laugh at terrible jokes or drag him to see awful chick flicks and he accepts it all. He constantly reminds me to not open the door for myself or carry things when he is around.  He knows which weekends are my free weekends without me ever saying a word. He is respectful of my children and the space I require for them. I. Am. Happier.

I am still riding this ride one day at a time. I am still just having fun. I am still just keeping pace. I am still putting focus where it is needed. There is no pressure to be anything other than myself; no pressure to do anything other than what I do; no pressure to go where I don’t normally go. He is simple. This is simple. We are simple. And after the long journey I had before, simple (and slow) is just fine by me. Now…about those wedding dresses….(NOT!)  😛

~SM

Accepting The Unaccepted

Never in my life have I felt accepted. Throughout school I always felt like an outsider. During my marriage I always felt like The He was looking for something else. Even among my friends, today, I do not feel completely comfortable with being exactly who I am. No, they have never asked me to be anything different and to be quite honest (outside of a few relationships/circumstances) no one has actually come right out and said there was something wrong with me. The feeling is there, none-the-less.

Very recently I figured out the only way to get over the feeling of exclusion was to accept the unaccepted: Me. Sure, I have said it before, but I never fully felt it until now. I do not expect to feel secure in self 24/7 (i.e. Forever Never The Dancer), but I do expect to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Perhaps it comes from getting older, or perhaps it comes from the people I surround myself with, or better yet–perhaps it comes from understanding that God loves me just as I am. He understands every flaw and shines His light on every nook and cranny. Yet…He loves me anyway. He cares for me anyway. He blesses me anyway. He gives me great responsibility anyway.

Looking at myself through His eyes helps me to be okay with who I am. It can be messy and it can be a struggle but it is worth it. Living life never accepting yourself is a waste. Thank God I am no longer feeling wasteful. Thank God I am able to accept the unaccepted.

~SM

Valentine’s Day (Where For Art Thou [My] Romeo?)

Valentine’s Day. Completely and totally overrated if you ask me. It is basically men running around buying gifts trying to make up for 364 days of smelly farts, missed timing, and general ass clown guy stuff. Women stand at the ready waiting for said gifts and gushes of Hallmark provoked affection. I hate Valentine’s Day (Grinch style) which is why this year (technically next year since this is December), I plan on joining in the fray (gotta get passed what you abhor, right).  What do they say? If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em? Yea. That. Only I plan on doing it better. I am celebrating alone.

When you go through a break up, the holidays are almost an automatic thought. What about Christmas? What about the New Year? What about….Valentine’s Day?! I will be all alone. No flowers (but he didn’t give them to you anyway), no cards (uh….ok), no presents (yea…another piece of jewelry you didn’t ask for), no dates (dinner and a movie…again)….just………loneliness (cue flat line for death by lonely). I cannot tell a lie, I totally had all of those thoughts, and when I verbalized them to a friend she told me she loved Valentine’s day. “I love on myself extra special that day. I don’t have to have someone else to love–loving me is enough.” Suddenly, finding Romeo didn’t seem so pressing….but I found him anyway.

This Valentine’s Day I will be spending a beautiful evening with Romeo…and Juliet….and a few hundred people. I will be at the ballet–alone and perfectly content with the company.  For a couple of years now I have watched The Atlanta Ballet’s Romeo & Juliet production sell out because I didn’t want to go alone, but this go ’round I refused to be victim to stupidity.

Love is not (and should not) be reserved for February 14th. Duh. We know this. However, it generally is and, because I have entered into a new relationship with myself, I want to treat me the way I feel I should be treated. And a romantic evening, dressed up, enjoying an expensive dinner at a restaurant with cloth napkins to celebrate the commercially decided day of love seems like as good a place as any to start. Oh Romeo. Romeo. Where for art thou [my] Romeo? For starters, he will be on stage dancing in pastel tights purely for my enjoyment. Now after the tights come off…well…that’s a completely different story 😉

~SM

Today I AM: Detoxing

Today I AM detoxing. There is debate as to whether detoxes are necessary. Some experts say it isn’t and some say it is ok to reset your clock every now and then. I think, whether you are for or against detoxing, we can all agree on one thing: If you let too much junk in, you are eventually going to pay the ultimate price–your peace.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I ate 6 added pounds worth of crap. My belly is bloated, I feel icky, I have low energy, and my body just overall hates me right now–and with good reason. The peaceful balance had been up-ended. I stuffed her full of food. So, this morning on the way to work, I decided to commit to a (2) day juice detox. Just juice for (2) whole days (ugh). I can’t say for certain (right now at this very carb cranky moment) that I feel all that cleansed, but I know in the end I will.

Sometimes, you have to stop yourself, take inventory, and clean house. It could mean deafening the outside world for a bit. It could mean keeping your purse closed for a minute. It could mean swearing off dating for a second. It could mean being silent and listening for a long while. Or it could simply mean drinking juice for (2) straight….days (ugh).  But no matter the reason for the detox, it is always a good idea every once and a while. Re-up. Re-load. Reset. And (for no other reason than not looking 6 months pregnant) I plan to do just that today. My stomach is growling, I think I actually saw my fingers as chicken tenders, and my bladder is about to burst but it is all worth it. I have peace knowing I loved myself enough to clean house.

~SM

Today I AM: Gifting

Today I AM gifting. I love giving gifts. Giving is a special experience, if it is done right. It is a rare peek into the brain of the giver. The receiver gets to see how they are being viewed, are they being listened to, and if they are truly appreciated. Every once in a while I find myself buying a muffin or a card (that never gets sent…my post office skills are horrid) or a small trinket just to say ‘I see you’. Today, I am seeing someone. Unsure of who just yet, but I feel the gift of giving stirring around in my belly. I hope it makes a difference in their day….it will certainly make a difference in mine 🙂

~SM

A Love Letter To Friends

God blessed me with Divine Connections. They are the connections with people that bring out not just the best in you, but the God in you. Before you do things, you think about them or what they might say or do. Before you go to bed at night, you take the time to pray for them because you know they have done (or still do) the same for you. Divine connections are not relationships where you must talk day in and day out. They are relationships where that is accepted but so is the emergency “get me outta here” call on a Friday night. This is my love letter to them.

Dear Friends,

I have disappeared…fallen back…taken a break from everyday interactions.  I see you. I see your good stuff and I pray it continues. In the time you were placed in my life, it was what saved me. The ‘just checking in calls’ or the GNO inclusions allowed me to step away from the beating of my head against the wall. It helped me to hurt out loud and know it was okay. You allowed me a glimpse into your lives when you didn’t have to. That is a caring and a kindness and a love I am grateful to have received, and I can only hope to give it back to you in return.

I stepped away for a bit, but my heart remained in place (I hope you don’t think me too rude).  I root for you from a distance. I pray for you from my heart. I hang back and clap my hands, bragging on your character and accomplishments. I am not sure how I can be of service to you other than just being here when you call. But I will try, to be of service, the best way I know how.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for shedding light where I thought there could be none. Thank you for being honest (and gangsta-like). Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for giving your time and space. I love you. Lord knows I do.

~SM