Tag Archives: God

Accepting The Unaccepted

Never in my life have I felt accepted. Throughout school I always felt like an outsider. During my marriage I always felt like The He was looking for something else. Even among my friends, today, I do not feel completely comfortable with being exactly who I am. No, they have never asked me to be anything different and to be quite honest (outside of a few relationships/circumstances) no one has actually come right out and said there was something wrong with me. The feeling is there, none-the-less.

Very recently I figured out the only way to get over the feeling of exclusion was to accept the unaccepted: Me. Sure, I have said it before, but I never fully felt it until now. I do not expect to feel secure in self 24/7 (i.e. Forever Never The Dancer), but I do expect to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Perhaps it comes from getting older, or perhaps it comes from the people I surround myself with, or better yet–perhaps it comes from understanding that God loves me just as I am. He understands every flaw and shines His light on every nook and cranny. Yet…He loves me anyway. He cares for me anyway. He blesses me anyway. He gives me great responsibility anyway.

Looking at myself through His eyes helps me to be okay with who I am. It can be messy and it can be a struggle but it is worth it. Living life never accepting yourself is a waste. Thank God I am no longer feeling wasteful. Thank God I am able to accept the unaccepted.

~SM

I Growed: Best Laid Plans

We have established previously that I am a planner…err…was a planner. I use to have three back up plans for every one. God laughed at about 90% of them. You know what they say: make plans and God laughs. It used to be upsetting when He laughed and I was scrambling—but now….

Our holiday plans were all buttoned up. Go to spot one for Christmas, ship out to spot two for the New Year. Spend days in spot two roaming around, shopping, site seeing, and catching the electric vibe of the City. The kids were excited (more so for the shopping). I was excited (more so for the vibe of the City). And then….God laughed.

Usually, the disappointment would lend to pouting and perhaps a small touch of can’t-get-my-way-depression and (depending on the level of excitement and size of plan) perhaps even a Marlon Brando ‘Stellllllaaaaa’ drop to the knees. However, living this past year with the mantra of not making plans I have come to realize when our plans don’t come through it is because God has something different (and usually better) in mind.

It would have been nice to do and see and go the way it was planned, but this morning when I woke up I made a cup of coffee, swiped a piece of cake and acknowledged God’s hand. He can laugh at all of the plans I make–that’s just fine by me. I will just keep thanking Him for the detour. Now the kids on the other hand…..well…that’s another story for another day 🙂

~SM

Life After Life

Yesterday my boss stopped me outside of his office and said he had not seen me smile like I was for a really long time (he attributed it to YG). “You were so uptight and mean” he said. Emily yelled from her desk “Mmmhm, you were!” It feels good when people tell you how great you are….but when they tell you that you were mean, uptight, a virtual bitch on heels….it makes you wonder how long you were shrouded in shit and how much you sucked at hiding the stench.

I asked Emily what exactly they meant by uptight. She proceeded to explain how they were all pretty much on pins and needles every day, never knowing what mood I would be in. She told me that people were literally afraid of me and were completely unsure as to how to approach me….about anything! My heart was sad for a moment to think the cloud I lived under gloomed up the place. I wonder, what it had done to my home life? To my children? To my friends? Hell….to me?!

Emily saw the apparent guilty, saddened look creeping across my face and made note of it. “You feel bad, huh? Don’t feel bad. We survived and we knew it wouldn’t last forever…at least we hoped it didn’t (giggles).” Nice sentiment, but no one should have to simply ‘survive’ someone’s crappy attitude for weeks/months/years.

When I plopped down in my office chair and started thinking, she came around to my desk and told me she could remember the day I became a completely different person. The day I decided to move on with my life and leave everything behind was the day she saw me weightless. “Seriously,” she said, “you are like two totally different people.

I could blame the multiple personalities on being Gemini (there is so much truth to the twin thing, it’s scary), but the truth of the matter is it has nothing to do with it. Sometimes, we hold on to people/places/things out of desperation or simply out of obligation–so much so it steals our joy. We stuff signs, flags, words, actions way deep down and never think about the consequences of the rot. Walking away was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Deciding to struggle on purpose, deciding to walk through the hurt and confusion and loneliness until it got better, deciding to open up a closet full of skeletons for everyone to see, deciding to reshape myself right before two impressionable young souls was the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. Emily was right. I am different. I am enjoying this life after life. A huge part of me is grateful I get to experience life twice. Thank God for healing. Thank God for change. Thank God for lifting such a huge, heavy cloud.

~SM

NaNoWriMo: Blank Pages

Soooo…here’s the thing: I am a writer. I have a photo of me at the age of (3) sitting at our kitchen table with a pen in my mouth. I have always been a writer. I used to dream of being (2) things as a kid:  becoming Shelia E., and becoming a best selling children’s book author.

The Shelia E. dream was crushed when I had a shot at actually learning to play the drums in elementary school. The teacher gave the drum pads to the boys in the music class and I got the f***ing recorder. To this day I hate that instrument. I could have continued to push for the whole drum thing, but instead I took the recorder and made the boys (and the teacher) feel increasingly uncomfortable with the Omen “I hate you all” glares during class. Writing–how it disappeared, anyway–is a bit different.

I used to read and write all of the time. I wrote stories that were pretty awesome, actually. I loved Poe and Shakespeare. Stine and King. I lived for stories that went bump in the night. My writing reflected as much. I am unsure of where it went away, the writing. Perhaps it was when I detoured into marriage or motherhood. Maybe it just vanished when my imagination bowed out to reasonable thinking. Grown up stuff happened. Love, heartache, bad decisions (so much for the reasonable thinking), reality tv, drinking (wine is my friend–ok…might we pause here for a moment? I speak of drinking often, however, I would like it to be officially known that I am not a lush. I enjoy wine on Thursdays and the occasional beer if pizza is involved and, ok, a margarita if tacos are present, but outside of those moments, liquor and I are not friends. Just wanted to throw that out there–ok, let’s continue), sex (which is amazing btw…how come no one told me about that), bills and the rest of life most likely got in the way. Or perhaps, I got in my own stupid way. *sigh*

Every year NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) comes along and every year I make a point of joining in the fray. I create playlists for writing. I make space in my office (err–now my kitchen). I buy new spiral notebooks and pens. I pull out dictionaries and dust off thesauruses. I make room. And then…..blank pages. The story starts out fine but then it fizzles out and the blank pages stare. I stare. We stare together in a contest I know I won’t win. I always blink first.

This year I will attempt it again. This year I will make room again. This year I will try not to fail….again. If I could just write. If I could just get out of my own head and put pen to paper. If I could just go back. If I could just be that version of me again then maybe, just maybe, I can hold onto my gift. The Bible mentions something about that, you know. God, if you’re listening, I would like to have it back. I buried it. My mom told me not to, but you know how that goes….we never listen to those who know better. I want it back. I need it back. I have 50,000 words to write between November 1 & November 30. I can’t take the staring game with blank pages…I lose every time. I always blink first.

~SM

A Love Letter To Friends

God blessed me with Divine Connections. They are the connections with people that bring out not just the best in you, but the God in you. Before you do things, you think about them or what they might say or do. Before you go to bed at night, you take the time to pray for them because you know they have done (or still do) the same for you. Divine connections are not relationships where you must talk day in and day out. They are relationships where that is accepted but so is the emergency “get me outta here” call on a Friday night. This is my love letter to them.

Dear Friends,

I have disappeared…fallen back…taken a break from everyday interactions.  I see you. I see your good stuff and I pray it continues. In the time you were placed in my life, it was what saved me. The ‘just checking in calls’ or the GNO inclusions allowed me to step away from the beating of my head against the wall. It helped me to hurt out loud and know it was okay. You allowed me a glimpse into your lives when you didn’t have to. That is a caring and a kindness and a love I am grateful to have received, and I can only hope to give it back to you in return.

I stepped away for a bit, but my heart remained in place (I hope you don’t think me too rude).  I root for you from a distance. I pray for you from my heart. I hang back and clap my hands, bragging on your character and accomplishments. I am not sure how I can be of service to you other than just being here when you call. But I will try, to be of service, the best way I know how.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being a friend. Thank you for shedding light where I thought there could be none. Thank you for being honest (and gangsta-like). Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for giving your time and space. I love you. Lord knows I do.

~SM

Today I AM: Praising God

Today I AM breathing God. I am packing Him in my lungs and holding on tight. There are times when I can’t breathe or speak or sing or walk or see, praying or not. There are moments when clouds hover and mist rolls in, blurring the path to clarity. But He never stops putting breath into me, or speaking to me, or singing to me, or walking with me, or seeing me. He never stops clearing the path–blurry or not. I make space and stop time to say thank you daily….but sometimes….it deserves to be shouted.

~SM

Freestyle Friday: Stop and Smell The Roses

red-butterfly-on-yellow-roses-garry-gay

Every time I go into the grocery store I pass by the flower section, and each time I stop and smell the roses. Only the roses. It is something I have been doing for years…I really don’t know how it started or why. But each time I pass by those gorgeous, delicate pieces of God’s art I stop, smile, and inhale. No thoughts come to mind. No stresses take over the moment. No sounds are heard. No questions to answer. Just a moment in time where the world stops and it is okay. Every time I stop, it is a reminder that God created beautiful. He created gorgeous. He created delicate. He created breath and life and time. And everything He created was for a multitude of purposes, one of which is purely for our enjoyment. So the next time you happen to pass by a flower (doesn’t have to be a rose) make the conscious decision to stop and smell it. Take a moment, breathe it in and enjoy the gift of His art. I know I will 😛

~SM