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Freestyle Friday: First Date


Today marks a major accomplishment. I am going on a date. Yes, an actual date with dinner, movies, make-up and everything. I have been on dates before, since the split, and they have been okay. One dude bought me drinks and dinner and we sat talking for hours. Another guy tried to lay his head on my shoulder–ummm, no. This one dude stood me up so I guess that can’t be considered as an actual date, and the last guy made me laugh and feel so comfortable I did not want the night to end. All of those experiences were nice, sure, but nothing is going to beat this.

Nothing is going to beat coming home, slipping into the shower, smelling great and looking better. Nothing will beat jamming to some awesome hype music, waiting to be seated and enjoying dinner. Nothing can beat standing in the movie ticket line, finding a seat, and hunkering down for a thrilling two hour ride.  Nothing beats doing all of that….alone.

Yup, alone. I am taking myself out on a first date. It was not exactly what I was anticipating for my first date. I had actually bought tickets to the symphony but seeing how they can’t get it together (strike situation) going to dinner and a movie (Gone Girl…yay!) is the next best thing.

It is important (so I have heard) to date oneself. I am finding that out. I have never been afraid of doing things alone, but purposefully having my mind set on making plans for me and only me is new. Getting dressed up, treating myself as if I am on an actual date (minus the out loud pleasantries–I don’t want to seem too bat shit crazy) is an entirely new experience. I have actually been excited for it since Wednesday. It has given me a chance to look forward to getting better acquainted with a VIP….me. Can’t go wrong with that 😛


Freestyle Friday: Balls To The Wall

As things go in life, we change. The world is ever changing. Things grow and die, are born and reborn. Material things are lost and spirits are found. Most of us are living in this vacuum of social media, television, news stories, and budget crunches. What would happen…what could happen if we lived most of our days B2W?

When I first heard the expression balls to the wall (expressed here as B2W courtesy of typing laziness) , I giggled to myself a bit and filed it away with other witty sayings such as ass clown and ass hat. I still pull those out from time to time due to frustration or lack of appropriate language, but it wasn’t until I opted to tri did the B2W expression actually mean something.

I mulled it over, said it a few times and let it wash over me. I am still uncertain as to who or how it came into existence (or what it really means), but, from what I gather, it means toughness. Get wild. Go crazy. Carpe effing Diem bitches. Smash some stuff. Push until there are no more obstacles in the way. Take chances. Throw your spears/bow & arrows in the air and scream in a pre-victory victory cheer while your opponent watches dumbfounded. Go balls out, grab em (whether you gottem or not), and strut like youarethe(wo)man.

Upon mediating on it at 1 a.m. (on a work day no doubt), it hit me that 85% of Life should be lived just like that. I won’t say 100% or even 90%…we are human and a 0-10% margin for error clearly isn’t enough–for this chick anyway. There is evidence of people who live their lives this way. You see them in movies or in magazines. You hear about their death defying feats and read about it in their rise to stardom. There are some real life examples all around you every day. Look at them. Study them. Figure it out and then break out.

Bills are due? Eff em. Car is breaking down? Screw it. Baby Daddy tripping? Eff him too. Job not going right? Walk out (ok, wait…don’t do that…just call in sick maybe). Let’s go do something that matters. Let’s jump out of airplanes and climb mountains. Let’s drink beer and eat pizza at 8 a.m. Let’s get in the car and drive nonstop until we run out of gas. Let’s flirt. Let’s run. Let’s dance naked. Let’s scream. Let’s ride a roller coaster. Let’s dance and sing terribly. Let’s love. Let’s just go all out and when it is all said and done–let’s wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Life should be lived, yes? Lived boldly, do you agree? Me too. That’s why I am going to give it a good ol’ college try. I am going to throw my proverbial balls right into that wall and go ham….uhhh…right after I pay my overdue water bill. Standby.


Successfully Being Sadie

I have been a lot of things in my life, but being Sadie full time hasn’t really ever been one of them. I have seen glimpses of her from time to time but totally lived in her space–never. After my marriage ended and I found myself on my own with two teenagers to raise and I wasn’t quite sure which end was up. I had no idea who I was, where I was going, or how to even get to the core of either one of those major life issues. And then…

Growing up in school, you called your classmates by random nicknames. Some are peer-inflicted while others are old family names (i.e. Peanut, Pookie, Girly, Lil Mike Mike and so on). Usually, on the first day of school, the teacher would ask if you wanted to be called [insert your government name here] or [insert nickname here]. Some kids had shorter versions of their names they preferred like Will or Maddie, but there were those lucky ones who chose to display their nickname like a shiny new toy. I hated not having a nickname. I wanted to be one of the lucky ones. It never occurred to me until searching for myself, that I wasn’t just one of the lucky ones–I was pretty damned special.

My father called me one thing (which technically is still my nickname–grown up with children and all) and that felt like a nickname but it wasn’t something I wanted to put on display. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but years later when the movie “Babe” came out about a fat cheery pig I thought it best to save myself the onslaught of inevitable jokes. Besides, your English teacher calling you “Babe” would sound way more odd than Lil Mike Mike or Pookie. So, I kept it to myself. My mother called me something entirely different from my dad and it always seemed like just another part of me–sort of like a leg or an arm. It’s there, you know it, see it, use it and move on with your day. It wasn’t until I had been faced with an enormous question (who am I…really) that I found the gift in something as simple as a nickname.

When searching for yourself, especially after a marriage has dissolved, it feels somewhat like groping around in the dark. You know there is a light switch somewhere, but you just can’t seem to find it. You are there somewhere, but it just seems too dark to tell your hand from your face–your role(s) from your core self. I thought about the people who loved me, I mean really loved me without abandon, and being a mother, I understood the value and the depth of a mother’s love. When I reflected on how my mother loved me, I found the light switch.

My mother heard a song that help her to articulate her depth of love for me in just two simple words day in and day out. Sweet Sadie, performed by the Spinners, was the essence of love without abandon–only it was a declaration of love from a son to his mother. When my mother heard the song for the first time, she felt the love in the music, beyond the words and immediately connected her love for me. From that moment on I have been Sadie May (uh, don’t ask where the May comes from–I’m not quite sure she knows either).

When I asked the question ‘who am I really’, the only thing that popped up and carried peace and light was ‘Sadie May’. My mother (much like most moms) sees a goodness, an honorable quality, a worthiness no one (other than God) can appreciate and she loves it all, good and bad (I am a Gemini afterall), deeply–beyond measure. The more I reflected on her love for me, the more I realized I am good. I am light. I am worthy. The nickname I had become numb to hearing, the nickname I had never really bothered to share because it didn’t seem anything other than just another name, the nickname that was an open, simple expression of love suddenly seemed to mean more than life itself. It is the space in which I am creating my new life. It is the space in which I am comfortable in my value. I am happily, excitedly, lovingly creating living, breathing space in being Sadie May.