Ok, so I get it. What the ‘it’ is I am not quite sure it can be explained, but you know it when you feel it. The moment when just about every recent (or past) experience clicks–that is the beginning of the ‘it’. Everyone’s ‘it’ is different. For some it is about relationships, others it is about employment or even spiritual things. Everyone has a click and everyone has an ‘it’…this morning I just got both.
I was flipping through some messages and photos on (where else) Facebook and then it clicked. The order of events, the things that have been done and said, the journey in which I have been forcefully made to trek is but a snapshot of the bigger picture. I mean sure, we all know this once we reach a certain age or have one too many drinks (or puffs) and we suddenly understand that life is much bigger. But when you see the puzzle pieces beginning to make sense of the picture it you get it. You nod your head in silence, look to the sky and say ‘I get it’.
It is still a little fuzzy and there are some pieces missing, but I am getting it. Most things are only temporary. They seem like they will drag on forever, but they generally only last a short while. Things are moving slowly into place and the fog is lifting just a tad. To be quite honest with you, I have no idea what I am doing 100% of the time. I don’t know what I want, who I want, where I want, why I want, or how I want. I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to say it or why I am anywhere I am. It seems to be a gigantic blur from which I have no means of escape.
All of that probably sounds kind of depressing, but for me it is happiness…peace. The observation as noted above is just the tip of the ‘it’. When one can recognize said things, it moves them into a different part of the journey–the part of Understanding. With understanding comes peace (at least in my book it does) and with peace comes breath. Lord knows I am looking forward to finally catching my breath.
There’s nothing like having a dance party on a Friday. It helps you move into the rest of the weekend pretty easily. And what better song to bump that bass to than Meghan Trainor’s All About That Bass. When I first heard it on the radio I danced the entire 3 minutes falling in love with the message. At this stage in this particular game I am playing, a quick pick me up and reminder that I am beautiful just as I am is much needed. Happy Friday!
After seeing the previews for Hercules lately, I found myself surfing the web looking for one D. Rock Johnson just to see how big he’s gotten for the role. His latest big is a little too big for me, but this suites me just fine. Ok…ladies…can we say “yum”? That is all. Happy Friday!
One of the things that makes me unique (as far as I can tell anyway) is that for being a woman–a lotta woman–I am not very girly at all. Sure, I have moments of lets-get-pretty, but for the most part, I would enjoy my time on Earth a lot better if it could be spent in tight jeans, sneeks, and a baseball cap daily. I prefer Fast & Furious over chick-flicks, naked toenails over pedicures, and loud smokey sports bars over romantic candlelit dinners. This is not to say I am the only woman on Earth like this, but when most guys find out I am…they are often shocked. Go figure.
Overall, I am feeling rather good about myself these days (except for the weight thing–what a monster bitch that is) and I am finding the good in attracting the opposite sex again. After The Split, I really had no desire to be looked at, attracted to, or talked to by anyone with private parts that swing. But, now that things have settled down and single life is growing on me, I am ready to play.
Enter in Cute Guy #1. I see him regularly and often I am quite confused as to whether or not he’s crushing slightly or not at all. Sometimes he speaks and sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes I will catch him looking in my direction and sometimes he won’t even look at me. Sometimes I get a flirty “hello” (to which I answer with a nerdy wave *sigh*), while other times I get a business like nod. This week, as an experiment, I decided to put on some lip gloss and heels (5″ btw) just to see if the energy changed. The outcome: me feeling desperate and him still being weird. Epic….fail…well, maybe not…the crackhead who cuts my grass said I was a very pretty lady sooooo….I’ll take that.
Perhaps it feels as though I am grasping at straws because I would prefer to be in flip flops and a night gown. Or perhaps the straw grasp feeling is all in my head and I actually look like a normal office working woman. Either way you slice it, tomorrow I am dropping the lip gloss and heels and wearing slacks and flip flops letting my naked toenails see the world.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. The older I become, the more and more I find truth in that statement.
When the Boy & Girl were younger, I spent most of my days in the Stupid-Haze. The Stupid-Haze is the cloud of stupidity that follows you around and numbs all your good common sense and every ounce of your education (both schoolhouse and life). You start speaking in broken English and wondering why you were in the grocery store (sigh).
Part of the reason why I found myself in the idiot predicament was because I stopped working on the gray (or grey…I’m still working on it) matter. I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped having adult conversation that did not consist of kids, cartoons and bills. I stopped coloring, drawing and painting. I stopped playing games and laying on the grass. I stopped feeding my spirit. Instead I dumbed myself down by numbing myself.
A day came when I became aware of my new found stupidity and something needed to be done. I began moving back to what I loved–learning. When we stop learning, we stop creating. When we stop creating, we stop living. When we stop living, we stop evolving. Evolution is essential to Spirit survival. A healthy, happy spirit is nourished by the constant openness (and willingness) to be still and learn.
Naturally, that takes a bit of effort through reading, writing, meditating, and creating, and that suites me just fine. I am committed to the process of learning through various channels and opening up my mind to what is possible both inside and outside of myself.
I feel like I am going effing batty. I have this fireball of energy swirling around in my belly with no where to deposit it. Of course I could try to run it away or clean it away, but this is the type of energy that does not require physical activity. It is that burning desire for more…the more.
I sit at my desk and I can feel the vibration of doing something outside of filing or typing or answering phones. The ease of life…the light of a life that I can see but not touch is driving me insane! When I am outside or traveling or at home or relaxing bookshelf side or soaking up the Starbucks ambiance I feel….free. Free…not bottled up or hindered or held back or imprisoned. I feel breath and peace and light and airy.
I ask friends and family but no one can really tell me what to do. I pray, but the answers are obviously escaping me. I write and read and draw and color and sing and dance and eat and search yet nothing comes. Is my soul in on something my brain has no clue about? Is there some big thing happening behind the scenes?
I am restless. Restless, restless. There is more out there and whatever it is it’s just for me but I can’t touch it or taste it or see it–I can only feel it. It almost feels like being a kid a week before Christmas. Presents are scattered under the tree making room for more to come. There are big boxes, small boxes, pretty paper and bows–all with your name on it. What are they? What’s in them? If you touch them or even look like you want to, you are liable to get into trouble–so you sit…you stare…you wait….I suppose this is my week before Christmas and all I can do is sit….stare….and wait. Ugh.