Category Archives: Soul

Today I AM: Wanting the More

Today I AM wanting the more. Yesterday ended a very nice trip out of town. Of course pulling up in the driveway was nice and seeing familiarity was good, however, I still was not ok. I wanted the more. You know…the more…the more out of life lurking in the shadows. I no longer want the mediocre. I no longer want the “well…it’s a _____” or the “at least it’s ____”.  I want the sigh of “I can’t believe I’m doing/seeing/holding ___” and big smiles. I want the ability to chart my own territory. I want the more.  I need the more. I feel stifled and unhappy without it. I feel held back and out of place. There is more–I can feel it vibrating above, beside, below. There is more…there is the more…there is my more…and I want it.

~SM

Today I AM: Playing with Heart

Today I AM playing with heart. It is often said during a sports program when describing a particular player. It is a phrase that means when the chips are down or when the odds seem stacked, you put your heart on the line. It stops being about the win or the trophy or the paycheck. It is more about standing up for what you believe in and pushing past your breaking point. My son plays sports and this weekend a player was injured–badly. It was not my son (thank goodness…I would have heard about that injury until I was on my death bed), but it hurt our (the parents/players/spectators) hearts just the same.  Seeing the boys paint their faces with their teammate’s number–having the courage to go beyond their own shock/hurt and lay every ounce of sweat on the line showed heart. Today the boy’s sister rolled him out into the dugout where he sat in a wheelchair with a cast on his leg in the early morning heat to watch his teammates play. To hear one of the parents tell it, he was worried (after the injury) if he got the out. That, to me, is heart. To play until the last second as if it is your very last second….to support those who stand in the gap with you…to look on the positive side of something quite negative is playing with heart.  Today I play with heart. Today I reach up and out, past who I was–past who I want to be–past who I will be and play as if it is my very last second…support those who stand in the gap with me…and worry about if I actually got the out.

~SM

Today I AM: Focusing 100

Today I AM focusing on the 100.  Each day, for 100 days, I am striving to be better. My ‘be better’ starts with the inside. Eating cleaner, sitting stiller, and moving more-er is my focus will be for the next 100 days. I have found that, in order for my life to be in alignment with peace and strength, my mind has to be clear of junk. Food and fitness plays a major role in my mental state. The only choice I had was to make a move and just do it.  We only have two choices: dump or get off the pot. To dump is to do a job–the job–your job. It means to take action to release what is inside and keep it moving (no pun intended). For those of us who stand by and watch the dumpers dump, it’s your turn to do something. Stop watching. Start doing. Focus on your 100 and give it 100. You won’t get it right every single day, but there will be a few days when a self-pat on the back is due. Go get it. It’s waiting. Today I am focusing on grabbing mine and giving it hell.

~SM

Today I AM: A Traveler

Today I AM a traveler.  For months and months I have been pining to travel. I have watched planes fly over head and wished I could just reach up and go too. I have planned vacations that I am pretty sure I can’t possibly afford. I have thumbed through the blank pages of my passport and reminded myself that I have 9 years left to make it useful. I have stared at maps and flipped through travel magazines all to remind myself that there is more out there to see and do and feel. Today (albeit I didn’t go very far) I am a traveler. I traveled to a different time zone, breathed different air, drove on different roads and even though it isn’t that major of a distance–it is a world away for me. I am so giddy! This is what I have been waiting for…to just pack a bag (or 4) and go. Oh the places I will go….

~SM

Today I AM: Happy

Today I AM happy. I don’t think I have ever really ever been happy. I have felt happiness. I have felt things that mimic happy, but I have never really known happy. Today I know happy. I am happy with being alone. I am happy with my body (go figure!). I am happy with my position in life. I am just happy with it all. Happiness, I have very recently found, has nothing to do with the external. It isn’t contentment. It isn’t acceptance. It’s being right where you are and having gratitude for being a step further than you were. It’s loving everything…the good, the bad, the fat and the ugly. It’s forgiving others, sure, but definitely forgiving self. Happiness isn’t guilt feelings over things that were said or done. It’s telling the anger, the hurt, or pain that while you acknowledge its place, your heart no longer has room enough to receive it. Happy is good. Happy is feeling like a room without a roof 😉

~SM

Today I AM: Faithful In Prayer

Today I AM faithful in prayer.  I had learned over the years that when one prays, they are to first be thankful…second be intentional…and third be faithful. As I have been reawakened by various life circumstances, the slight prayer education I received has played a major role in how I am able to still stand. The thankful part is simple and the intentional part is pretty easy too. It is that faithful part that messes up the whole thing.  But I am learning quickly that the faithful part is just as important as the prayer itself. When you step to God with gratitude, purpose and intention, walk away knowing that it is already done. Expect the change. Expect the favor. Expect the answer you so boldly sought. It might not come when you want it or how you want it but it will always come when you need it.

Why Say No When You Can Say Yes?

My girlfriend (we will call her Tobago) called me last night on her way home from work. She hardly ever calls me. We are texters more than phone talkers, so when she called me I knew she wanted something.

Tobago and I met while training for a 10k. It was our first big race and we really didn’t know much about running. What better way to learn about something than with another person who doesn’t know much? At least you won’t look stupid by yourself (smile). We trained together, joined a running crew together, and even daydreamed about more races together. She often comes to me with crazy ass ideas usually pertaining to running and I don’t question saying yes until I am at the starting line. “We just ran 6 miles…we could do a half with no problem. It’s only two 10ks together” “We just ran a half….we can do a marathon with no problem. It’s only two halves together” Yes…those are actual conversations we have had, and on several occasions I have found myself standing at the starting line of a half marathon saying “Who’s dumb idea was this anyway?!” I have fine tuned my spidey senses when it comes to Tobago and her “simple” ideas, but yesterday she snuck me.

Tobago: I’ve got to lose like a hundred pounds by next year

Me: (clearly knowing that she (a) was exaggerating and (b) knew I have been complaining about my weight too I said….) Girl, who you tellin? Me too.

Tobago: We gotta do it. Like, seriously this time I have got to do something and stick with it.

Me: (still foolishly not connecting dots yet…) Ok then. Let’s do this. What are we doing and how are we going to do it? (I’m always down for a challenge…fault numero uno)

Tobago: For real? Ok (uh oh…here it comes) remember that thing I was telling you about, Carnival?

Me: Yea (now completely distracted by burning dinner)

Tobago: I am going next year, but I need to weigh like a hundred pounds to wear the costume (laughing).

Me: (Carnival? Oh yea, I remember her saying something about that…sounded super fun. Oh and costumes too?! I love costumes…I could lose weight too and maybe fit into one of those costumes. I could look like a Vegas show girl and…oh no…Oh God, here it comes…word vomit…) Oooooh! I wanna go!

Trinidad: For real?! (I think she almost squealed) Alright girl! This is going to be so much fun!

I know…it was crazy for me to jump on her crazy wagon, but the truth of the matter is life is to be enjoyed. Honestly, I jump into this crazy crap because I will say yes to anything once. The space in which I am living my life now is open to all possibilities–even Trinidad Carnival with scantily clad beautiful people walking around in the streets.

Saying no is for drugs or sex with sketchy people. It is for people you don’t like or for spoiled children. It is for family members who ask for too much. It is for food/shop-therapy when you are either too fat or too broke. The rest of life is open for discussion and sometimes a big, fat, loud YES! Besides, my passport is empty–who wants to live 10 years of their life with an empty passport? If that’s not depressing I don’t know what else is.

~SM