After seeing the previews for Hercules lately, I found myself surfing the web looking for one D. Rock Johnson just to see how big he’s gotten for the role. His latest big is a little too big for me, but this suites me just fine. Ok…ladies…can we say “yum”? That is all. Happy Friday!
One of the things that makes me unique (as far as I can tell anyway) is that for being a woman–a lotta woman–I am not very girly at all. Sure, I have moments of lets-get-pretty, but for the most part, I would enjoy my time on Earth a lot better if it could be spent in tight jeans, sneeks, and a baseball cap daily. I prefer Fast & Furious over chick-flicks, naked toenails over pedicures, and loud smokey sports bars over romantic candlelit dinners. This is not to say I am the only woman on Earth like this, but when most guys find out I am…they are often shocked. Go figure.
Overall, I am feeling rather good about myself these days (except for the weight thing–what a monster bitch that is) and I am finding the good in attracting the opposite sex again. After The Split, I really had no desire to be looked at, attracted to, or talked to by anyone with private parts that swing. But, now that things have settled down and single life is growing on me, I am ready to play.
Enter in Cute Guy #1. I see him regularly and often I am quite confused as to whether or not he’s crushing slightly or not at all. Sometimes he speaks and sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes I will catch him looking in my direction and sometimes he won’t even look at me. Sometimes I get a flirty “hello” (to which I answer with a nerdy wave *sigh*), while other times I get a business like nod. This week, as an experiment, I decided to put on some lip gloss and heels (5″ btw) just to see if the energy changed. The outcome: me feeling desperate and him still being weird. Epic….fail…well, maybe not…the crackhead who cuts my grass said I was a very pretty lady sooooo….I’ll take that.
Perhaps it feels as though I am grasping at straws because I would prefer to be in flip flops and a night gown. Or perhaps the straw grasp feeling is all in my head and I actually look like a normal office working woman. Either way you slice it, tomorrow I am dropping the lip gloss and heels and wearing slacks and flip flops letting my naked toenails see the world.
Currently? Nobody. Majority of the time that is ok. I don’t mind forgetting the fact that I am a young, interesting, deep woman with the inherent need to smell a little Brut every once and a while. I often keep myself moving so I rarely have to deal with single life. It is sorta weird, though, after being for someone for almost 20 years (16 to be exact)…it kinda feels like I am operating without one limb or another. Please, do not get me wrong, I am happy without the one limb. It would just be nice to actually be the subject of someone’s attentions (who aren’t related to me or who don’t have fur and tails).
Considering I really am not interested in the whole ‘long term relationship’ thing at this point, I would imagine I am a guy’s perfect type of girl. I am smart. I have values. I shave my legs. I have no fake body parts. I am neat (85% of the time). I am funny (smart ass witty is more like it). I enjoy a magnificent day at the ball park, as well as a cold beer, pizza, and a great football game. I love to be active–a little on the slow side but activity is activity. I am adventurous. I am not a reality t.v. wanna be–pretending to have this or that, live like this or that, or know him or her. I read…I can read…big words, too. I am creative. I am a pretty awesome mother. I was an exceptional wife–the ex just didn’t know what the hell he was walking out on. I am all of these things and I have no desire to complicate my world with titles, sex, or emotions. So where are all of the guys who want that too?
Wherever they are, they certainly aren’t knocking on my door. With the kids gone for the summer and a pt work schedule, I find myself sitting on the couch eating Greek yogurt out of the container like ice cream in my pj’s and sweatpants listening to R&B. Lonely? Nah, not hardly. It is quite peaceful to only be responsible for myself, however when I go to the movies this afternoon or wander around the bookstore this weekend or relax at the park in the evening, it would be nice to have a male companion.
My friend says I have a look on my face that says “I’m thinking. Go away”, which, to her credit, is very true. Yes…even the ‘go away’ part. I suppose at the bottom of one of those Greek yogurt containers I will find the remedy to that particular dilemma. But in the meantime, I will just keep enjoying the peace and waiting for the answer to the ‘Knock. Knock.’ call. When he answers….I hope he’s cute (lol).
I was explaining to a friend the randomness I have been experiencing as of late. She listened patiently, nodding in silent agreement of being there once or twice, and when I was done rambling she said something that made the randomness make perfect sense.
Lately, I have had somewhat of an out of body experience, for lack of better words. It feels like I am wearing the suit of someone else. I am wearing a life that does not quite belong to me. I am the round peg being forced into a triangular hole.
Nothing in my current life feels comfortable. My mind and my spirit are in one place and my flesh and circumstances are in another. I liken it to a baby who knows (feels) they can walk, wants to walk, but their body is limited to something different.
I feel travel, I feel financial security, I feel loving relationship, I feel healthy body, I feel enjoyable career, I feel freedom, I feel wisdom, I feel happiness….at any given moment my spirit and mind leave the “building” and I am tortured by being physically stuck in a place that does not feel comfortable and by being mentally stuck in a place where I need to be.
Upon explaining this predicament which makes me seem like a great candidate for medication, my friend calmly took it all in and simply said “Your spirit and your mind have transcended the transition while your flesh and your circumstances are playing catch up.”
Deep, right? Yea…I know. I was speechless too. It made perfect sense. My spirit and my mind are finally on one accord and they have moved past this holding pattern in which my flesh and my circumstances are apparently stuck. It makes me feel better to know that I am not losing it, but the knowing then begs the question: What do I do about it? “You are going to have to be patient, keep moving forward and working toward catching up,” she said.
The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. The older I become, the more and more I find truth in that statement.
When the Boy & Girl were younger, I spent most of my days in the Stupid-Haze. The Stupid-Haze is the cloud of stupidity that follows you around and numbs all your good common sense and every ounce of your education (both schoolhouse and life). You start speaking in broken English and wondering why you were in the grocery store (sigh).
Part of the reason why I found myself in the idiot predicament was because I stopped working on the gray (or grey…I’m still working on it) matter. I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped having adult conversation that did not consist of kids, cartoons and bills. I stopped coloring, drawing and painting. I stopped playing games and laying on the grass. I stopped feeding my spirit. Instead I dumbed myself down by numbing myself.
A day came when I became aware of my new found stupidity and something needed to be done. I began moving back to what I loved–learning. When we stop learning, we stop creating. When we stop creating, we stop living. When we stop living, we stop evolving. Evolution is essential to Spirit survival. A healthy, happy spirit is nourished by the constant openness (and willingness) to be still and learn.
Naturally, that takes a bit of effort through reading, writing, meditating, and creating, and that suites me just fine. I am committed to the process of learning through various channels and opening up my mind to what is possible both inside and outside of myself.
I feel like I am going effing batty. I have this fireball of energy swirling around in my belly with no where to deposit it. Of course I could try to run it away or clean it away, but this is the type of energy that does not require physical activity. It is that burning desire for more…the more.
I sit at my desk and I can feel the vibration of doing something outside of filing or typing or answering phones. The ease of life…the light of a life that I can see but not touch is driving me insane! When I am outside or traveling or at home or relaxing bookshelf side or soaking up the Starbucks ambiance I feel….free. Free…not bottled up or hindered or held back or imprisoned. I feel breath and peace and light and airy.
I ask friends and family but no one can really tell me what to do. I pray, but the answers are obviously escaping me. I write and read and draw and color and sing and dance and eat and search yet nothing comes. Is my soul in on something my brain has no clue about? Is there some big thing happening behind the scenes?
I am restless. Restless, restless. There is more out there and whatever it is it’s just for me but I can’t touch it or taste it or see it–I can only feel it. It almost feels like being a kid a week before Christmas. Presents are scattered under the tree making room for more to come. There are big boxes, small boxes, pretty paper and bows–all with your name on it. What are they? What’s in them? If you touch them or even look like you want to, you are liable to get into trouble–so you sit…you stare…you wait….I suppose this is my week before Christmas and all I can do is sit….stare….and wait. Ugh.