Category Archives: Money

Why You Mad?

During my cable having OWN Lifeclass Super Soul Sunday watching days, I learned that anger is not anger at all really…it’s fear. Unable to get a grasp on the road raging complaining mumbling week I had and why, I realized all of it was coming from fear. But what am I afraid of?

Everything is going well. The kids are fine. The living quarters are ok. The Mom Bus is hanging in there. Work is work, but fine. Romantic life is swimming. Weight loss is a bitch, but hey–that’s no surprise. So of all of the things spinning on the little planet of Me, what could I possibly be presenting itself as a fear? I suppose it could be several things. Life never presents itself in a nice neat little package all of the time. Sometimes you actually have to pay attention.

I wrote down a list of all the things happening currently and the one with the most potential was money. Money. I have none. It is a stresser that seems to grip my spine and shake the living shit out of it. It shakes and shakes until I am nothing more than a puddle of weeping flesh. Blood is definitely being squeezed out of this turnip.

I do not understand what I am doing wrong. I have a plan. I try to execute it and it all goes to poop by pay day. Something breaks or a kid needs something or a utility company wants money. Nothing seems to be enough and enough seems to be nothing. It is a vicious cycle of disappointment, and unfortunately it is a fearful place to reside.

At any moment I am afraid of my entire world crashing down. Just one little thread being pulled and the fabric of Sadie’s World will be unraveled. A person cannot live in that fear space for long, and unfortunately it festers and becomes anger. Anger soon turns to bitterness. And bitterness is just plain ugly (I do not desire to be unattractive at any point….ever).

So what is a girl to do? Find a sugar daddy? Young Gun might not approve. Work a pole? The onlookers may not like what they see. Waitress? Yea….if you know me you know that would never work. What to do, what to do? I suppose first things first: Pray. Then just deal. Even at the most inopportune times when the thread was being pulled, Sadie’s World did not completely unravel. It felt like it, but it didn’t. It never does. I just have to hold onto that knowledge, take a breath, and rework the plan–whatever that is. I have to step back and release the fear thus releasing the anger too.

~SM

 

Getting My Shit Together

I have got to get my shit together. I finally snapped out of the cloud of ambiguity and now I am slapping myself for not planning accordingly. There are several items on the List of To Do’s for 2015. Normally, I do not engage in the whole new year’s resolution thing, but I am afraid I will have to give it the ol’ college try (only better than I actually did in college…sigh).

I do not plan on revealing everything on the List of To Do’s here because I am still working on the whole transparency/vulnerability thing (ok…there’s one for the List), but I will reveal two of the most important for (mostly) selfish reasons: accountability.

Numero Uno: I gotta get this fat off of my body. I have been complaining about this forever and the older I get the more I want it gone. Young Gun challenged me to a weight loss duel. I probably should not have taken the challenge, however, I am a sucker for competition. Dude is 11 years younger than me with strength and reflexes like Superman. I, on the other hand, have the strength and reflexes of an old fat cat. Never the less, I took him up on his challenge and now I am adding another ticking clock to my already crowded shelf of ticking time bombs (Half Iron Man 2015, Marathon 2015…should I bother naming more craziness???). The goal: Reach 175lbs by June 30th. Doable, right? You’d think so considering I should know how to do this shit already but, err, uh…my brain/body is revolting.

Numero Dos: I gotta get my finances under control. Luckily, I do not have much debt–hardly any really–but the little I do have, I want it gone. I want to be able to sign on the dotted line in 2020 for the Beach House and pay cash. I want to be able to support the kids financially while they are in college so they don’t pick up the bad habit of being 18 with credit cards. I want to be able to start the Business and the Foundation. Shoot, I want to use my passport before it expires naked! I don’t make much but living takes everything I have. I need to operate on a budget and stick with it, no matter what.

Those are some grown up, important goals, right? I think so, too. Life is what it is, we all know that, but we have to strive to live our best lives or else it will be wasted. My best life is being fit, both physically and financially. Guess I’d better get to workin’ on that. I can’t keep letting life pass me by and I can’t keep living in this fog of numb. I gotta get my ish together–it’s about time. ;P

~SM