Category Archives: Mind

Finding Him In Reflection

My sister-in-love forwarded an email that gave me pause. The email was from a journal company (my weakness, besides planners) speaking on reflection of 2018 and moving forward toward 2019. I typically stay away from all of the new year’s resolution hubbub because it does not seem genuine (IMHO). If change is what a person is really after, they will tackle it any time. Why wait for January 1? Due to how 2018 started off and ended, I plan on being a ginormous hypocrite and being a part of the hubbub. And I think I will start with the email.

I am far from a heathen, but I must admit, God and I have been distant lately. My fault entirely. I allowed a lot of the important parts of my wellness to get swallowed up by other things happening around me, and my relationship with Him was one. When all else fails in my life, faith is the one constant saving me every time. Today, it has faltered and I have no doubt it is because I moved farther away from the source. When I read the email, it painfully reminded me of how far I have wandered. But, thank God for His mercy and grace. Even if I have wandered far from Home, He continues to keep the light on…just for me.

In order to find my way back Home, I have got to stop going in the other direction. I can’t front and say I haven’t been hiding. More and more I have been cutting my circle closer and closer, allowing it to dwindle down to nothing. I have been ducking my head and being passive because parts of me preferred not to even deal. But if I am going to take this upcoming journey and if I am going to get better, I have to turn around and open my eyes. Nothing is ever as scary as the thought of something. The real thing might be hard and a little intimidating, but it is the thought of it being something more than it is that creates hysteria. Instead of playing the scary-thought loop in my head, I need to uncover my eyes, about-face and stare it down.

For the next nine days, I will take a look back at these past twelve months and reflect on the wins. The bad stuff is easy to point out, but there was good. There was great. The first order of business in shrinking the scary is measuring it up against the good. God is in it all, but for me, it is easier to see Him and understand Him in the good. So, I will be intentional when I look back and reflect. I will seek understanding. I will seek goodness and light. I will search for Him in it all.

I can’t say I will be a completely different person when I reach the other side, but I can say that I will be on my way. There is no magic pill to finding your way. There are no ruby slippers to click or fantasy tornadoes whirling about to carry me Home. There is only courage and dirty work, and, if I have nothing else, I know I have the courage to put in the dirty work.

~SM

Rule #1: Silence is #$%*ing Golden

I am a reactor. I react. Pure emotion. You cut me off in traffic, I wish I had a tank to crush you. You jump in front of me in line, I want to trip you on the way out. Temper temper. A lot of times I put my foot, the whole thing, in my mouth and wish I hadn’t. Did I say that? Did I mean that? Layer the foot with the daily guilt I feel about every little thing and sprinkle that with some anger glitter and you have got me. Mmmmm, delicious.

After some internal checks lately, I have come to realize silence is golden—especially coming from me. If I just shut up sometimes or if I just nod my head and smile maybe, just maybe, messes wouldn’t be made and I can walk on my feet instead of choking on them.

I am like the Hulk. I turn green and roar and smash. I do not give people any room to be human. Instead I shut it down lock it down and toss away the key….and then roar and smash stuff. I don’t think about the words being used until after the fact, and then I live days or weeks or months trying to clean up the mess. So, I’m vowing to shut up.

It has been a declaration of mine before, to shut up, but it lasted like three days and then I went back to running my mouth. I went back to over explaining, using too many words, and spewing things perhaps I should have just kept to myself. I let the Hulktress and all of her shitty emotions react for me instead of being a grown up and assessing the situation for what it is. I am pretty sure it will be difficult to keep it all in at first, but maybe I can channel all of that into something good like the great American novel I keep referencing but never seem to finish.

Emily Dickinson said it best, “Saying nothing sometimes says the most.” My voice does not need to literally be heard to be heard. I do not have to bounce anything off anyone. I do not need to fill up the air with words aplenty. I need to just hush, say nothing and let that be the voice that matters. Perhaps if I do, I can learn to take in the situation and think a little more critically, and eventually, I can stop chewing on my feet.

~SM

 

An Open Letter: Thank U, Next

I’m so #$%&ing grateful for your mess. Tis true, Ari didn’t quite say it like that, but that is how I carry it. It is the only way I can put you and your crap to bed. If I had things my way, I would be pushing you into angry bees nests and running my car through your front door, but thank goodness I cannot.

You have made what should have been sweet, bitter and rotten. Your nasty words managed to soak to the bone what should have been good and clean. You built a house with walls of sorrow and unworthiness and crammed in all of the innocence you could find, locking the door behind you. You single-handedly crushed love and replaced it with a great, unwavering disdain. As far as I can tell, you sir/madam are a monster only here for the amusement of everything ugly.

Believe it or not, I don’t hate you. Actually, as I stand here, talking to you, I feel sorry. I am sorry you are so clueless. Sorry, you will miss out on greatness (oh if you only knew). I am sorry you were used as a tool to tear open and poison. I am so, so sorry for you. I can see you wearing your unhappiness like a heavy coat, your head hanging low when no one is looking. I can see the lack of love like an open, festering sore. The secrecy of your lies weighing you down. The smell of the dead bodies you buried oozes from your pores and no matter how much you cover it with beautiful fabrics or flowery fragrances, you still smell it.

I am sorry you felt you were in the right. I am sorry you felt entitled. I am sorry you stumbled and fell. One too many ill-fated cards atop your house will make it all come tumbling down, sooner rather than later. And when it does, I will not have shelter to share. You will have to weather the storm alone.

I thank you for your mess. I thank you for allowing me to see you for who you really are. I thank you for allowing your mask to crack and the truth spill out, if only for a moment. I thank you for the words aplenty and the blame. I am grateful because, without you, there would be no me.

Isn’t it funny how that works? (C’mon. It won’t hurt. You can smile. It is funny.) You spend your days being wicked, and the end result is your misery, yet those who have had to bear the brunt of your abuse come out shiny and new.

I want to shake your hand. Yes, the one that stirs the pot housing your witches brew. I get to go off and be shiny (aren’t you excited for me). I get to be newer and greater and better than you will ever be. I get to witness the moments you only wish you could. I get to stand tall and pretend you don’t exist.

For that, my friend, I say Thank U…Next (wink).

~SM

Sommertime Vacay: Book List

Yay for summer vacations! I love sommer vacay  summer vacay. All of my parental responsibilities are on hold (for 2 months anyway), I can get away with eating ice cream for breakfast, and juicy bbq burgers never taste better than on a patio during warm, summer nights. In an effort to make the most out of my Sommertime Vacation, I plan on grabbing some great summer reads, curling up on the couch, and getting lost. The goal: (1) book per week for (8) weeks. Wish me luck!

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You cannot possibly get through life without a little O-wisdom. This summer, I invite O and her big brain full of isms into my space. Namaste.

 

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Classic author summertime reading nod goes to S. King. You can’t get through vacation or a dark, rainy night without showing some love to the King himself.

 

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When I saw Arianna Huffington on Super Soul Sunday, I sat up and listened. I have had Thrive on my book list for about a year now. No time like the present to get to reading!

 

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While a fan of her work, I am most interested in her actual story. It stirs something in my belly. This novel is set in my fave place–hopefully I can snag a few chapters under some palms this summer.

 

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When I read this in high school, I enjoyed it immensely. The Maury Show like drama but back when television was actually just a radio was exciting. A classic with some Maury drama? Yes please!

 

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Yes, he’s on my list twice. *blank stare* Listen…it’s Stephen King. What can I say? This is going to be a thrilling summer ride!

 

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This summer I am not only focusing on reading, but I am also focusing on writing too. I love to write and I love the connection between the gift of writing, the imagination, and every day reality. Perfect book written by the perfect author to give me some more perspective (and instruction) on writing and life.

 

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I have been chomping at the bit for years to read this book and this summer it will most likely be the first book I read. It is not often you find a book that stands the test of time and changes lives in the process. My nose is itching at just the thought of smelling those pages (yes…I am somewhat of a nerd…carry on).

 

BONUS BOOKS

I know I only said (8) books, but I could not leave these last two off of my list. These will most likely be my end of summer celebration books. Geeked!

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JK’s story inspires me every time I think of her name. She inspired me even more when she popped up on the scene as a male author. I like her thinking and her style. I couldn’t possibly let the Sommertime Vacation float away without a little JK Rolling inspiration.

 

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In case you hadn’t noticed, I am a sucker for new things and Oprah. This is the recent Oprah Book Club 2.0 selection and I figured what harm would it do to dive into a book from a new author sprinkled with a little O-love. Absolutely none 😉

~SM

Sommertime Vacation

Every year, usually about 2-3 weeks prior to my birthday, the Universe plops a big gigantic A-Ha on me and I am enlightened. Every. Single. Year. I have yet to get my A-Ha (mean face). Or, perhaps I have.

A couple of mornings ago, I was flipping through Facebook and felt completely over it. Sure, it is nice to see people’s updates and pictures and it is as equally as nice to share my own random thoughts and photos, but in all actuality….who gives a shit? I mean, realistically, how many people care I had Mommy’s mac & cheese or if you found a t-shirt 50% off? Who cares if you write a dissertation on your wife and how great she is or who really wants to see you and your phantom boyfriend holding hands at the movies. Quite honestly….do you care? I suppose the same could be said for BSM. I mean, who cares if I am struggling with running 3 miles or having a parent breakdown? Somehow, though, this seems different…it seems…helpful.

Anywho, I have the overwhelming need for balance. I feel the need to cut off everything that is a distraction and get back to the basics. And by basics I mean pen, pencil, notebook, board games, no clutter, GNO’s with just a great movie and the couch, books with actual bookmarks, the Bible and Beethoven. Oh…and Being Sadie May (of course).

It should be fun and exciting to actually take a summer break from all of the junk I allowed to slip in. Maybe I will actually be able to complete some things I have been desperately trying to get done. Maybe I can focus long enough to finish my novels. Or perhaps I can actually lose weight. I could possibly get back to centered. Maybe…just maybe…I can slide my way back to beautiful Me (smile). Sommertime Vacation just might be my best A-Ha yet. What fun this is going to be!

~SM

Being Temporary

Everything for me is temporary. The fairytales–the Cinderella stories–stop being a way of life after a while. It is generally when something changes…a death, the end of a marriage, the loss of a child, the detour of a career….the rearranging of a life due to cataclysmic events causes one to look at life through the looking glass of temporary. Most everything is only meant for a specific time, thus creating space for tables to turn and growth to appear. It never really occurred to me, until recently, how much of life is temporary. It was……….freeing.

We are all held captive by the prospect of forever. When we are young, we think we will be young forever. When we are heart broken, we think it will last forever. When the storm comes, it feels like forever. Yet, when we reach that infamous forever marker, there’s the appearance of another path or another birthday or another growth spurt….and our faces get long. We never expected there not to be a forever. Realistically speaking, nothing….not one single solitary thing lasts always. God’s love aside, everything we encounter, from birth to death, is but a passing encounter.

I stood in the bathroom mirror washing my face and I noticed lines. Albeit they are probably undetectable to most, but to me they were glaring. I began pulling and repositioning my skin just to see what a small nip or tuck would do and I stopped as suddenly as I started. This, I thought, fades. It is only temporary.

At that moment, I realized the choice presented: I could tap into every 35-year-old-didn’t-quite-take-care-of-herself-to-the-best-of-her-ability flaw or I could be okay with the knowledge that nothing is permanent. I chose the latter.

I finished my routine, nodded in satisfaction, and shut off the light. I said my prayers and crawled into bed not thinking of my age or the state of a 36, 40 or 50 year old Sommer. I drifted off to sleep resting in the peace of the temporary. When you know that you know nothing lasts forever, peace abounds and you are able to drop the load of the expectations, rules and material things being dragged kicking and screaming into the future and just….be. What difference will I make? What risks will I take? What love can I give? Who can I hold or help? Where can I see? Those are the questions I drifted to sleep to….that’s the kind of temporary I want to be.

~SM

What The Heck Am I Suppose To Do With That???

Me. Meet Crossroads. Crossroads. Meet Me. I suppose this feeling of slightly lost could be attributed to the new year approaching, the Boy getting older, and the Girl’s new found teenage attitude. There is something brewing in this head/heart/soul of mine and I am uneasy with not being able to put a finger on what to do with it.

As a gift to myself, I purchased Act Like A Success by Steve Harvey. His explanation of the Gift is interesting and makes much sense, however, what is confusing about the Gift is how exactly one is to operate in the gift. I know my gift…the strongest one of them anyway…and it is writing. I can write with my eyes closed. I can write in my sleep. I could probably write standing on my head if my cleavage didn’t smother me first. I. Can. Write. It is my gift. Period. Score one for me (because I actually know that), but–err–what the hell am I suppose to do with it?

I sat at work and took about (5) internet quizzes on gift assessment. Know what all of them said? Artist. Duh. I knew that already. What each quiz failed to explain is what I was suppose to do with that knowledge. Young Gun said I should just have fun with it and explore, but (as I so cheerfully explained to him) I am almost 40…he is not even close so he can explore until his heart is content. My clock is ticking. Yes, yes, I know what some of you are probably thinking: there is no time limit on exploration. I got that. What there is a time limit on is operating in one’s gift and that (for me) is not up for debate.

I am annoyed by not knowing what to do with what was given. I feel like I have been given an engine to put together with no Chilton’s for reference. I suppose I will stop with the internet quizzes (as they are only telling me what I already know) and just continue to float until I get to the per-ordained destination. I am not chasing money. I am not chasing fame. I am not chasing tangible, external power stuff. I am chasing the unabashed freedom that operating fully in the Gift will give. Doesn’t that count for sun’tin?

~SM