Category Archives: Body

Tri-ing to Feel Alive

Yup…tri as in triangle or tricycle or, in this case triathlon. Divorce, baby daddy’s, bad decisions, and being a little light in the pocket can lead to big wishes and even bigger leaps. Ohhhhh boy…I think I am just about to make a humongous leap.

This conversation is not really that new. I tend to have it often…once a year it seems. I get this really huge idea, post it, blog it, blab about it and there is a 50/50 chance it materializes. Kinda sucks for me…makes me look a little loony. This time, however, is going to be different…it has to be different.

Crossroads sorta suck. Being stuck at one sucks even worse than actually coming to one, noticing it and passing by. When you seem stuck in transition and at a crossroad, crazy shit turns into amazing ideas and you begin to make foolish, rush decisions to evoke some type of feeling.  Joy. Fear. Curiosity. Happiness. Pride. Rage. Accomplishment…whatever the outcome of the crazy, you like it…you need.

This decision may be induced by the feeling of wanting to actually feel alive again…alive for Sadie May not for others. There’s a difference, you know. Being and feeling alive for self is different than being and feeling alive for your children/spouse/parents/siblings. There is a confidence that comes with it–you walk differently, talk differently, love differently. Suddenly the air is sweeter and the world is yours for the taking. No one can compare to you. Youarethebest. You live and breathe a world full of chances and choices that bring a special kind of excitement and wonder into your life and it spills over into the lives of those around you and suddenly you feel the vibration of life beneath your feet and you become…unstoppable. No dream too big. No mountain too high. No crazy idea unearthed…you are alive.  I am chasing the alive. I am chasing that alive.

There was a moment, recently, when I tasted it and it happened when I crossed the finish line of the Peachtree Road Race, having run the entire 6.2 miles. Nothing was going right at home, the energy was off and apparently my husband had stopped loving me at that point. All of the confusion, all of the pain, all of the hurt, all of the stress I poured into the push and I conquered demons, monsters, and the 6.2 miles. When the finish line came into view I broke down into tears–salty streaks of emotion mixing with the sweat of the heavy I carried the entire race. Something broke inside of me at that moment. I tasted what I could do if I allowed myself to give into the push.  If I moved past the flesh and pain. Iwasalive. I was alive.

There are plenty of ways I can touch that feeling again, but this is the one way I plan on reaching it and never letting it go. I plan on leaving the mistress, the divorce, the brokenness, the hurt, the despair, the failure, the selfishness, the disbelief, the stupidity, the bitterness, the anger, the arguments, the dependency, the arrogance, the lack and the allowed disrespect behind for good. I plan on rising above all I thought I knew and who I thought I was–who I made myself out to be and giving into the push. I will run my way past pain, swim my way past what was, and bike my way to something–someone–better.  Yup…I am going to give it a tri no matter what I have to sacrifice. I am going to tri…and I will succeed.

~SM

Transcending Flesh

I was explaining to a friend the randomness I have been experiencing as of late. She listened patiently, nodding in silent agreement of being there once or twice, and when I was done rambling she said something that made the randomness make perfect sense.

Lately, I have had somewhat of an out of body experience, for lack of better words. It feels like I am wearing the suit of someone else. I am wearing a life that does not quite belong to me. I am the round peg being forced into a triangular hole.

Nothing in my current life feels comfortable. My mind and my spirit are in one place and my flesh and circumstances are in another. I liken it to a baby who knows (feels) they can walk, wants to walk, but their body is limited to something different.

I feel travel, I feel financial security, I feel loving relationship, I feel healthy body, I feel enjoyable career, I feel freedom, I feel wisdom, I feel happiness….at any given moment my spirit and mind leave the “building” and I am tortured by being physically stuck in a place that does not feel comfortable and by being mentally stuck in a place where I need to be.

Upon explaining this predicament which makes me seem like a great candidate for medication, my friend calmly took it all in and simply said “Your spirit and your mind have transcended the transition while your flesh and your circumstances are playing catch up.”

Deep, right? Yea…I know. I was speechless too. It made perfect sense. My spirit and my mind are finally on one accord and they have moved past this holding pattern in which my flesh and my circumstances are apparently stuck.  It makes me feel better to know that I am not losing it, but the knowing then begs the question: What do I do about it? “You are going to have to be patient, keep moving forward and working toward catching up,” she said.

~SM

The Mind

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. The older I become, the more and more I find truth in that statement.

When the Boy & Girl were younger, I spent most of my days in the Stupid-Haze. The Stupid-Haze is the cloud of stupidity that follows you around and numbs all your good common sense and every ounce of your education (both schoolhouse and life). You start speaking in broken English and wondering why you were in the grocery store (sigh).

Part of the reason why I found myself in the idiot predicament was because I stopped working on the gray (or grey…I’m still working on it) matter.  I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I stopped having adult conversation that did not consist of kids, cartoons and bills. I stopped coloring, drawing and painting. I stopped playing games and laying on the grass. I stopped feeding my spirit. Instead I dumbed myself down by numbing myself.

A day came when I became aware of my new found stupidity and something needed to be done. I began moving back to what I loved–learning.  When we stop learning, we stop creating. When we stop creating, we stop living.  When we stop living, we stop evolving. Evolution is essential to Spirit survival.  A healthy, happy spirit is nourished by the constant openness (and willingness) to be still and learn.

Naturally, that takes a bit of effort through reading, writing, meditating, and creating, and that suites me just fine. I am committed to the process of learning through various channels and opening up my mind to what is possible both inside and outside of myself.

~SM

Today I AM: Retreating

Today I AM retreating. In this day and age it is essential with information coming at us 24/7. I get overwhelmed with the constant updates on other people’s lives and my focus is lost. This balancing act is a tough one when there is no focus. So, today, I am making the conscious decision to put up fences and give myself some breathing room….to purge the outside junk that found its way in. I will focus on silence and meditation. I will focus on what goes in and what goes out. I will be move in silence and absorb nature. I will walk, breath, move, speak, and pray with intention. Today I will reset, refocus, revive.

~SM

Today I AM: Focusing 100

Today I AM focusing on the 100.  Each day, for 100 days, I am striving to be better. My ‘be better’ starts with the inside. Eating cleaner, sitting stiller, and moving more-er is my focus will be for the next 100 days. I have found that, in order for my life to be in alignment with peace and strength, my mind has to be clear of junk. Food and fitness plays a major role in my mental state. The only choice I had was to make a move and just do it.  We only have two choices: dump or get off the pot. To dump is to do a job–the job–your job. It means to take action to release what is inside and keep it moving (no pun intended). For those of us who stand by and watch the dumpers dump, it’s your turn to do something. Stop watching. Start doing. Focus on your 100 and give it 100. You won’t get it right every single day, but there will be a few days when a self-pat on the back is due. Go get it. It’s waiting. Today I am focusing on grabbing mine and giving it hell.

~SM

Feed the Warrior

We all have one, right? She’s in there. You feel her in the boardroom and you feel her at the PTA meeting.  She is apart of your every day.  Some of us know how to feed her while others of us (raises hand slowly) are just standing by, nervously, watching her starve to death.

I gotta be honest here and tell you that I think my warrior is on her death bed. The doctor came by and told me to just shut off the machines because it was pointless (sad face). However, being the stubborn kinda girl I am, I refuse to do so because I know how strong she can be.

My chick has been waiting. Can you imagine a wild animal tearing at the bars of its cage? Welp…that’s my girl.  She’s ruthless. She’s cut throat. And she’s hungry. She feeds off of words like “can’t” “you will never” “they are better than you”.  I killed her, I think.  I killed her because I thought as a wife and mother  I was suppose to–she’s selfish and there’s no room for selfish when you are raising a family. Everyone’s needs must come before your own…right? There is no room for ruthless and cut throat. There is only room for cupcakes, PTA meetings, late night sex, and marital forgiveness. There is no room for f-u’s and hair over diapers. There is no room for me over everyone else–that is not the balance. The balance is emptying out her to allow more room for them.  There is only room for diagnosis of death and the unplugging of the machines.

She stayed down as long as she could, but with my current circumstances being what they are she’s raring and ready to go.  The only way I know to fuel her is through sweat…and blood…and tears…literally.  I work well under physical pressure, which is exactly what I plan to do. Train for a marathon? Bring it.  Do a Tri? I eat pain for breakfast.  Lift heavy? I’m on it.  Run Disney? I’m in it. I’m ready. She’s ready. Let the games begin…

Why Say No When You Can Say Yes?

My girlfriend (we will call her Tobago) called me last night on her way home from work. She hardly ever calls me. We are texters more than phone talkers, so when she called me I knew she wanted something.

Tobago and I met while training for a 10k. It was our first big race and we really didn’t know much about running. What better way to learn about something than with another person who doesn’t know much? At least you won’t look stupid by yourself (smile). We trained together, joined a running crew together, and even daydreamed about more races together. She often comes to me with crazy ass ideas usually pertaining to running and I don’t question saying yes until I am at the starting line. “We just ran 6 miles…we could do a half with no problem. It’s only two 10ks together” “We just ran a half….we can do a marathon with no problem. It’s only two halves together” Yes…those are actual conversations we have had, and on several occasions I have found myself standing at the starting line of a half marathon saying “Who’s dumb idea was this anyway?!” I have fine tuned my spidey senses when it comes to Tobago and her “simple” ideas, but yesterday she snuck me.

Tobago: I’ve got to lose like a hundred pounds by next year

Me: (clearly knowing that she (a) was exaggerating and (b) knew I have been complaining about my weight too I said….) Girl, who you tellin? Me too.

Tobago: We gotta do it. Like, seriously this time I have got to do something and stick with it.

Me: (still foolishly not connecting dots yet…) Ok then. Let’s do this. What are we doing and how are we going to do it? (I’m always down for a challenge…fault numero uno)

Tobago: For real? Ok (uh oh…here it comes) remember that thing I was telling you about, Carnival?

Me: Yea (now completely distracted by burning dinner)

Tobago: I am going next year, but I need to weigh like a hundred pounds to wear the costume (laughing).

Me: (Carnival? Oh yea, I remember her saying something about that…sounded super fun. Oh and costumes too?! I love costumes…I could lose weight too and maybe fit into one of those costumes. I could look like a Vegas show girl and…oh no…Oh God, here it comes…word vomit…) Oooooh! I wanna go!

Trinidad: For real?! (I think she almost squealed) Alright girl! This is going to be so much fun!

I know…it was crazy for me to jump on her crazy wagon, but the truth of the matter is life is to be enjoyed. Honestly, I jump into this crazy crap because I will say yes to anything once. The space in which I am living my life now is open to all possibilities–even Trinidad Carnival with scantily clad beautiful people walking around in the streets.

Saying no is for drugs or sex with sketchy people. It is for people you don’t like or for spoiled children. It is for family members who ask for too much. It is for food/shop-therapy when you are either too fat or too broke. The rest of life is open for discussion and sometimes a big, fat, loud YES! Besides, my passport is empty–who wants to live 10 years of their life with an empty passport? If that’s not depressing I don’t know what else is.

~SM