Trusting My Lonely

This has been…eventful to say the least. So many parts of my life, our lives, have been rearranged that it is dizzying to think what may happen next. In the span of a year, I have gained and lost. I have managed to swallow pain and grief whole to push forward and I have regurgitated brokenness. However, on the same hand, I have welcomed love—complete and rooted—with open arms. I have recognized that I am not okay, but I have stood ready for the fight. With only 4 weeks left until this whirlwind of a year is over, I’m unsure if I have anything left.

But…I do. I do have something, a mustard seed, of strength left. Each morning, I manage to keep my sanity intact, my unraveling in check and my heart open. I find moments to dance foolishly, laugh deeply, heartily, and exhale shaking off the dirt and grime. That counts for something, right? So, as the end looms overhead, I have a choice. Only one choice. Find my footing.

It won’t be easy, not with the people in my life I must stand tall for, but I can shed this version of myself—this beaten, bruised, tired, unhealthy, guilt ridden, negative, angry version of Me behind the scenes. I can start over. I have do it on my own, just Me & Me.  I cannot look outward for what is needed inward. No friend, no husband, no new age guru, no book or job can give me what I need. I can give to myself what is necessary, when it is required.

Life, as I have learned, is short. It is messy, complicated, emotional and it is but a small portion of something too big to comprehend. It is all we have. It is all I have. I have to breathe. I have to live. I have to shed the insecurities, the worry, the anxiety and breathe. Unfortunately, I can’t do that in this space. This strange version of myself isn’t working any longer. I love you, I do, but I think it’s time for a new step in the direction of anew. It’s time we go our separate ways and I take this leg of the journey alone.

So, I say to you, Me, “It’s time I let you go. I made the mistake of writing your name on my heart. Cuz your colors show…I’ve been your doll that you poke for fun too long. So, you should go. Don’t look back. I won’t come back. Can do that no more….Go get your praise from someone else. You did a number on my health. My world is brighter by itself and I can do better…I gotta trust my lonely…(Alessia Cara, Trust My Lonely)

It will take time, I know. I have certainly been here before, and that is okay. There is no shame in re-evaluating and pruning what isn’t growing. There are some things I must relearn. There are some places to mend. There are some new rules of thumb. There are so many parts of the world left to see and there’s more than one way to get there. There are some people I must let go, some places I cannot return, some grieving to be done and some crosses to carry but I can do it. I know I can.

~SM

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