Life After Life

Yesterday my boss stopped me outside of his office and said he had not seen me smile like I was for a really long time (he attributed it to YG). “You were so uptight and mean” he said. Emily yelled from her desk “Mmmhm, you were!” It feels good when people tell you how great you are….but when they tell you that you were mean, uptight, a virtual bitch on heels….it makes you wonder how long you were shrouded in shit and how much you sucked at hiding the stench.

I asked Emily what exactly they meant by uptight. She proceeded to explain how they were all pretty much on pins and needles every day, never knowing what mood I would be in. She told me that people were literally afraid of me and were completely unsure as to how to approach me….about anything! My heart was sad for a moment to think the cloud I lived under gloomed up the place. I wonder, what it had done to my home life? To my children? To my friends? Hell….to me?!

Emily saw the apparent guilty, saddened look creeping across my face and made note of it. “You feel bad, huh? Don’t feel bad. We survived and we knew it wouldn’t last forever…at least we hoped it didn’t (giggles).” Nice sentiment, but no one should have to simply ‘survive’ someone’s crappy attitude for weeks/months/years.

When I plopped down in my office chair and started thinking, she came around to my desk and told me she could remember the day I became a completely different person. The day I decided to move on with my life and leave everything behind was the day she saw me weightless. “Seriously,” she said, “you are like two totally different people.

I could blame the multiple personalities on being Gemini (there is so much truth to the twin thing, it’s scary), but the truth of the matter is it has nothing to do with it. Sometimes, we hold on to people/places/things out of desperation or simply out of obligation–so much so it steals our joy. We stuff signs, flags, words, actions way deep down and never think about the consequences of the rot. Walking away was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Deciding to struggle on purpose, deciding to walk through the hurt and confusion and loneliness until it got better, deciding to open up a closet full of skeletons for everyone to see, deciding to reshape myself right before two impressionable young souls was the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. Emily was right. I am different. I am enjoying this life after life. A huge part of me is grateful I get to experience life twice. Thank God for healing. Thank God for change. Thank God for lifting such a huge, heavy cloud.

~SM

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