Finding Purpose

I am a busy body but it is never my busy. I am busy doing other people’s busy. Kids, work, friends, lovers….never mine. I need something to capture my attention. I need something to fuel my drive. It’s in there…the drive that is.

On a freezing November too-early-to-be-up-on-a-Sunday morning, I sat in the car waiting for the baseball game to start thinking about a friend of mine. He’s young. He’s ambitious. He’s prepared for success. He often speaks of being self sufficient and quitting his job within a year. He is confident in his craft. It makes me a little jealous…I want that too. I want the something to do. The busy.

Being a mother is a wonderful blessing. I don’t take the experience of giving my body and life over to the miracle for granted. I complain, sure, but the experience and the blessing as a whole is not lost on me. For a while, I thought perhaps that was my purpose: to be the best mom ever. Not a bad purpose, if you ask me, but I think I am here for a little more than that.

I owned a magazine. Albeit, I did not handle every aspect of the magazine correctly, but I remember losing myself for hours in the office planning, plotting, and designing. It was my baby. I say all of the time I let it go because no one was listening to my voice but the truth of the matter is I let it go because I thought that was the reason why my husband was cheating.

I would rarely go to bed on time. I stopped being his tv side kick. I was constantly typing or taking meetings or buzzing with ideas. When I found out his eyes and affections had wondered beyond me, I put it down thinking I was being a neglectful wife. Save the pitied looks and tsk-tsk, I have beat myself up over it worse than anyone else could.

So here I am, no longer a neglectful wife, mom taxi, teenage love advice giver, tweenage confidence booster lost in the fray of other people’s lives. Where is mine?

My friend said that he’s not doing music for the money or the fame. It is his language. He said everyone has a language and music is his and it is his charge (from God of course) to speak it. I guess I just want to speak my language too….but I suppose I have to find the voice to speak it with first…right?

~SM

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