Falling Into The Run Away

After an argument with The He one Saturday afternoon, I began to experience a myriad of feelings…none of which were good. More and more these days, when I feel engulfed in those emotions of raw anger, bitterness, sadness and temper tantrum I often feel as if I am drowning…literally. Breath becomes shallow or non existent and I feel panicky. Trapped by water on all sides and there’s no way out. Except……maybe one.

In school, I hated running. In middle school particularly. Every Monday we would slip into our black shorts and gray tees and take it to the track. Four laps equaled a mile….and a straw. The objective was to get (4) straws. I usually got (2). I hated running. Fast forward to the glorious days of short skirts, go-go boots, and flag poles. We had to run and I hated that too. Super fast forward to September 2010 when my spirit was ill and apparently my marriage was too. I decided to step outside of normal and take on a challenge in which I could only make waves. I was going to run.

Running soon became that thing. You know, that thing you do when the world is closing in? It shuts the world out and turns the volume down. It creates a space no one else can enter, even if there are hundreds of people around. It’s….that thing.

Running is that thing for me. So often I feel panicky and breathless and so often I picture myself pounding the pavement. On Saturday, I did just that. I pictured myself running. Running far. Running steady. Running….away.

When I vented to Trinidad about the argument (which I sorta can’t remember now), we began talking about what made us feel stronger, calmer, capable, confident. Running does it all for me. I suffer from sadness–a pretty deep sadness on most days–but when I run…it lifts. The clouds part and the world is right again. I can see why people become addicted. I can see why people spend hours and money to do something that takes it’s toll on the body later. It’s that thing. It’s that thing to grab for…to fall for…to chase….

~SM

Freestyle Friday: It’s No Big Deal

So apparently, Freestyle Fridays have turned into dance party pauses…and when you think about it…that’s what Friday should be about anyway. Katy Perry does a great job of introducing a little fun into this serious situation called life with her latest dance party pause. Whenever I hear this song or see the video (especially the ice cream cone) I forget what is going on at the moment and giggle out loud.  It’s no big deal, after all, this is how we do 😛

“Just The Single Lady?”

I am lucky enough to have my work schedule to include being off on Fridays. When the kids were younger, I would spend my days off volunteering in the classroom or, when I operated Gemini Magazine, I would spend it doing layouts, writing stories, setting up interviews & trying to figure out how to make money (that last one literally took hours). As they grew older and their schedules got longer, I spent Fridays cleaning up, running errands or working out. These days….I just spend it on the couch watching movies from the Redbox.

Last Friday morning after I dropped the kids off at school, I decided to treat myself to breakfast. Most mornings I am either eating eggs or yogurt washing it down with cucumber water, but I wanted to be “bad”. Pancakes sounded bad enough.

I thought about going downtown and enjoying the morning rush with a side of fried flour & liquid sugar, but being that gas is like liquid gold I opted for a new spot on my side of town. A diner of sorts.

It was relatively empty except for a few people snuggled in booths. I was seated near the waitress station and was immediately greeted by a waitress in training. She took my coffee order and went back to the station. Apparently, there was some confusion about who the coffee was for.

“Who’s that coffee for?” One asked
“The single table,” my waitress answered. “The single lady.”
Another came. “Who’s got the single lady?”
“Who? Just the single lady? Right there?” Another asked.

The conversation went on for a couple more minutes until they got it all straightened out. The coffee was for the single lady…just the single lady.

Eating alone, watching movies alone, walking alone, sitting alone, or doing any other activity alone doesn’t phase me at all. Mommy doesn’t feel comfortable going to the movies alone and I have a few friends who can’t phantom eating alone, but it has never bothered me…probably because I am a loner by nature (only child)…but this morning I felt like walking back to the waitress station and asking them to at least call me by my name.

I started giggling after the vision of storming into the station played out in my head, and decided that being ‘just the single lady’ was fine by me. It’s just one more title I can add to my list. Mom, daughter, friend, ex wife, records clerk…just the single lady.

~SM

Temporary Lay Off

It has been done before. There are too many things flying at you and you put your hands up in halt. You don’t surrender because you are weak or scared–you surrender because you are just plain ol’ tired. That is me. I am there.

About once per year I take a mandatory break from social media. It is a life necessity. To be quite honest, I can’t take too much of the smiling faces and “hey I did it” posts knowing that every day life just isn’t made that way. Sure, you can smile 95% of the time but is there not a 5% when smiling just isn’t an option??? What about that side of things?

Aside from the validation posts (so guilty of that) disguised as good news sharing or thoughtful insights, there are all of the opinions. For me, it is just too much. I have hidden behind social media plenty of times before. I have pretended to be happy when I knew damn well I was far from it. I have dumped my feelings out into cyber space because I just did not have a clue what else to do. But sometimes, just sometimes, you gotta lay off–downsize.

Being laid off sucks (been there…twice), but when a company does it for the right reasons it is to restructure, rebuild, rework, reorganize…it isn’t to hurt those who have been let go. Not that Instagram or Facebook would be hurt by my disappearance, but it is time to restructure, rebuild, and reorganize my life.

No one needs to know I ran 700 miles or saw an $8 loaf of bread or volunteered at a handicapped dog shelter or saved a dolphin from a burning building. No one needs to know my life–especially those who I haven’t seen since the 5th grade. Yes, I currently do pen–err–type a bunch of words on a blank page, and yes most of those words are strung together to resemble some sort of snapshot of my brain (and life), but isn’t that different? Perhaps it isn’t. Perhaps this is just the long drawn out version of shorter social media posts. Either way it is typed, I am laying off social media for now. Breathing room is essential…

~SM

Freestyle Friday: Love Shack

I used to turn this song up loud and wig out with the kids snug in their car seats wigging out too. I heard it on the radio yesterday afternoon and I was instantly happy and bouncing along. If this song doesn’t make you lose a little control and let loose then we must revisit your idea of freestyle.

The Incredible Invisible Woman

By nature or by bullies (both have affected the outcome I suppose), I am a background kinda girl. Running for president or making speeches is really not my thing. Working on a lay out or typing up memos is more my lane. And while I am okay with the introvert part of self, it still kind of hurts a bit to be…looked over.

Over the past few days I have been doing some research on self and  made it a point to sit back and watch how others reacted to me. Most things I should not be offended by, however, these past few days I found myself to be most offended.

I found people ignoring me, bumping into me, talking over me, and cutting me off. I felt….invisible.

I prefer the background, letting my genius shine through, however, I do not particularly appreciate being invisible. It just doesn’t feel good. I am not overly distraught about it…like I didn’t lay in my bed and cry about it or anything, but there was a twinge of sadness on the outskirts of my emotions. I don’t want to be invisible.

There are no plans to become un-invisible. Usually this is the point when I hatch some sort of life changing plan and sink my teeth into a book about being extraordinary, but….not this time. This time I am just going to recognize my invisibility, shrug at those who choose not to see me or those who can’t help but not to, and move forward. Where I am meant to be is where I am meant to be. What I am meant to see I am meant to see. And when I am meant to be seen I will be. I am okay with that–I get to actually be that proverbial fly on the wall which could be beneficial in more ways than one.

~SM

Eating Crow Behind Home Plate

All summer long I had been hoping, wishing, and praying to go to a Braves game. Not only am I a fan but I sorta missed the whole baseball thing once the season ended for Kid #1. All summer I have been checking and re-checking my budget to see if I could afford to go to a game. All summer I have been watching from the outside looking in, and as the summer began to come to a close, bitterness moved in.

Saturday night, The He told me he was taking the kids to a Monday night Braves game.  Logically, I was thinking it was awesome for the kids to have such a good dad. He took the time to think of them and he was using his resources to provide them with dad qt and an experience. But…I am not always logical.

A long time ago, I realized what you put into the Universe generally comes to pass. It doesn’t always come when you want it, but it comes. I have also learned the importance of faith. Faith, God and the Universe is a big discussion that deserves more space and time, but the gist of it is that I respect the magnificent mix of it all. I respect it, I communicate with it, I lock into it and when I don’t life is so off balance.

The He picked up the children Monday night and while I stood in the kitchen washing dishes. That’s when the call came “I have 4 tickets instead of 3. I thought I only had 3. Would you like to come with us?”

It is often said that when God blesses you, He often does it better than you could have done for yourself and it can even come from people you least expected. When I hit the entrance to the stadium I felt like a kid who had gotten punished by not getting punished but by getting an extraordinary treat instead. I was humbled and I felt ashamed for being such a brat.

The tickets were way better than I would have purchased on my own. We ate for free, had an amazing table/terrace view during dinner, and we sat right behind home plate the people in the VIP seats, Evander Holyfield.  I’m still picking feathers out of my teeth but it’s ok–it is a reminder of the lesson I learned that night. I can want what I want when I want it, but my timing isn’t always what is best. I am exactly where I am suppose to be–no more, no less.

~SM 

Lucky In Love

I found myself asking the question Why didn’t he love me? to a friend the other day. We were in the throws of deep marital discussion and before I could stop my brain from speaking out loud…it did. She smiled. “You’re lucky! It doesn’t matter if he loved you or not. You loved him, right?” I shrugged. “You got to know love, then. Not everyone gets to know what that is like.”

After careful thought a few days later, I realized she was spot on. I had experienced love, for however long it lasted, I had been in love. I had felt the butterflies and the high. I took off the armor. I smiled at the thought of them or the sound of their voice. I had been able to say ‘I love you’ and mean it. It had come into my life and I was happy. I swatted away the sadness I had once felt about losing my marriage and even the judgement that came along with how or why. I was lucky. And the more I thought it, the more I realized I get to do it all over again every single day.

Love surrounds us every day, every second. We get to breathe it in and live in it. We have the opportunity to give it away and heal others and ourselves with it. We get to see the world through different eyes because of it. Love…it can kinda suck. But…then…it doesn’t. There is nothing else like it.  The thought of love, finding it again (if I do), is scary–it sorta makes my heart ache, but the thought of living a life without it is even scarier.

After careful thought of what my friend said, I started thanking God for allowing me to love and lose. He allowed me to love and love again. I get to experience love with friends, family, pets, nature, and my children every minute of every day. No, it isn’t romantic love and that is ok. I have had it before…twice actually…and I can gladly live with that.  After all, as Alfred Lloyd Tennyson said, ’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

~SM

Do Over

Remember being a kid playing a game in the front yard with the neighborhood kids? Remember making up the rules as you went along? What happened the very first time someone made a mistake? They yelled “Do over!” Everyone instantly knew what that meant.  Well, guess what…the ‘do over’ rule hasn’t changed. We grew up, moved past the front yard, and forgot about the ‘do over’ card sitting in our back pocket. You messed up yesterday. You cursed the old lady out in front of you at the red light. You ate that gorgeous piece of cake for breakfast. No matter the mistake and no matter how big or small you, my dear, get a do over. Don’t fret about not getting it right the first time, hardly anyone does. Just concentrate on the lesson, putting forth a genuine effort, and when your do over comes around you will pass with flying colors. Life isn’t about getting it right 100% of the time–it’s about being able to get up, dust yourself off and do it over. No one is perfect–no…not even you–but everyone is capable of doing it over.

~SM

I Get It

Ok, so I get it. What the ‘it’ is I am not quite sure it can be explained, but you know it when you feel it. The moment when just about every recent (or past) experience clicks–that is the beginning of the ‘it’. Everyone’s ‘it’ is different. For some it is about relationships, others it is about employment or even spiritual things. Everyone has a click and everyone has an ‘it’…this morning I just got both.

I was flipping through some messages and photos on (where else) Facebook and then it clicked. The order of events, the things that have been done and said, the journey in which I have been forcefully made to trek is but a snapshot of the bigger picture. I mean sure, we all know this once we reach a certain age or have one too many drinks (or puffs) and we suddenly understand that life is much bigger. But when you see the puzzle pieces beginning to make sense of the picture it you get it. You nod your head in silence, look to the sky and say ‘I get it’.

It is still a little fuzzy and there are some pieces missing, but I am getting it. Most things are only temporary. They seem like they will drag on forever, but they generally only last a short while. Things are moving slowly into place and the fog is lifting just a tad. To be quite honest with you, I have no idea what I am doing 100% of the time. I don’t know what I want, who I want, where I want, why I want, or how I want. I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to say it or why I am anywhere I am. It seems to be a gigantic blur from which I have no means of escape.

All of that probably sounds kind of depressing, but for me it is happiness…peace. The observation as noted above is just the tip of the ‘it’. When one can recognize said things, it moves them into a different part of the journey–the part of Understanding. With understanding comes peace (at least in my book it does) and with peace comes breath. Lord knows I am looking forward to finally catching my breath.

~SM