Today I AM playing with heart. It is often said during a sports program when describing a particular player. It is a phrase that means when the chips are down or when the odds seem stacked, you put your heart on the line. It stops being about the win or the trophy or the paycheck. It is more about standing up for what you believe in and pushing past your breaking point. My son plays sports and this weekend a player was injured–badly. It was not my son (thank goodness…I would have heard about that injury until I was on my death bed), but it hurt our (the parents/players/spectators) hearts just the same. Seeing the boys paint their faces with their teammate’s number–having the courage to go beyond their own shock/hurt and lay every ounce of sweat on the line showed heart. Today the boy’s sister rolled him out into the dugout where he sat in a wheelchair with a cast on his leg in the early morning heat to watch his teammates play. To hear one of the parents tell it, he was worried (after the injury) if he got the out. That, to me, is heart. To play until the last second as if it is your very last second….to support those who stand in the gap with you…to look on the positive side of something quite negative is playing with heart. Today I play with heart. Today I reach up and out, past who I was–past who I want to be–past who I will be and play as if it is my very last second…support those who stand in the gap with me…and worry about if I actually got the out.
Today I AM focusing on the 100. Each day, for 100 days, I am striving to be better. My ‘be better’ starts with the inside. Eating cleaner, sitting stiller, and moving more-er is my focus will be for the next 100 days. I have found that, in order for my life to be in alignment with peace and strength, my mind has to be clear of junk. Food and fitness plays a major role in my mental state. The only choice I had was to make a move and just do it. We only have two choices: dump or get off the pot. To dump is to do a job–the job–your job. It means to take action to release what is inside and keep it moving (no pun intended). For those of us who stand by and watch the dumpers dump, it’s your turn to do something. Stop watching. Start doing. Focus on your 100 and give it 100. You won’t get it right every single day, but there will be a few days when a self-pat on the back is due. Go get it. It’s waiting. Today I am focusing on grabbing mine and giving it hell.
Today I AM a traveler. For months and months I have been pining to travel. I have watched planes fly over head and wished I could just reach up and go too. I have planned vacations that I am pretty sure I can’t possibly afford. I have thumbed through the blank pages of my passport and reminded myself that I have 9 years left to make it useful. I have stared at maps and flipped through travel magazines all to remind myself that there is more out there to see and do and feel. Today (albeit I didn’t go very far) I am a traveler. I traveled to a different time zone, breathed different air, drove on different roads and even though it isn’t that major of a distance–it is a world away for me. I am so giddy! This is what I have been waiting for…to just pack a bag (or 4) and go. Oh the places I will go….
A close friend of mine who had been having relationship problems as of late asked what I thought of God possibly keeping the right one out of his life. “Let’s just say God put the wrong person in your life for a reason–whatever that reason may be–does that mean He could also keep the right person out of your life for a reason?” It didn’t really take me too long to answer. It is a no brainer. The answer is a huge, gigantic resounding yes.
Let me ask you something. Would you give a five year old your car keys? Hand her your paycheck? Your answer to all of those would most likely be no, but why not? Possibly because if you gave her your car keys she would crash in a nano second. If she had control of your money–you just handed her $1500 cold hard cash–she would probably ball out in the caf at lunch time geeking up all her little kindergarten friends on sugar, thus ruining your budget. Now it isn’t that she is stuck on stupid. It is that at this five year old, Sponge Bob loving moment she doesn’t have the brain capacity, the understanding, and the motor skills to handle any of the major stuff. $0.50 for ice cream at school, ok…she’s got that. Putting her plate in the sink after dinner, ok…she’s making it happen. Those are within her scope of understanding and you move within that. God is no different.
God would never hand us the car keys if we were not ready. He moves within our scope of understanding. Sure, there are moments when we are being stretched and pushed, but that is only to garner growth. From growth comes wisdom. From wisdom comes new heights. From new heights comes tons of other cool stuff like–oh, I dunno…the one.
Life’s business is never finished until we check out. Love, however, does not have to be unfinished–and in fact it never quite is finished. In order to receive the type of love that comes with the ‘right one’, certain things must be in place before we get the full, unbridled experience (IMO). When we are unprepared, we do not have the wisdom enough to see, nurture, and accept the best love He has set aside for us. We can easily look over it, down play it or even destroy it. It isn’t that we are bad or that we don’t deserve love, it is just simply that there is the very real possibility we don’t have the motor skills or the capacity to handle our best partner.
I advised my friend that he should focus on just living life and filling in all of the blank spaces with color and wait out his ready. When we make the move to live truth, enjoy the journey, and embrace what comes from doing both we find ourselves bumping into the ‘right one’ and we are able to handle everything that comes along with it.
Today I AM happy. I don’t think I have ever really ever been happy. I have felt happiness. I have felt things that mimic happy, but I have never really known happy. Today I know happy. I am happy with being alone. I am happy with my body (go figure!). I am happy with my position in life. I am just happy with it all. Happiness, I have very recently found, has nothing to do with the external. It isn’t contentment. It isn’t acceptance. It’s being right where you are and having gratitude for being a step further than you were. It’s loving everything…the good, the bad, the fat and the ugly. It’s forgiving others, sure, but definitely forgiving self. Happiness isn’t guilt feelings over things that were said or done. It’s telling the anger, the hurt, or pain that while you acknowledge its place, your heart no longer has room enough to receive it. Happy is good. Happy is feeling like a room without a roof 😉
We all have one, right? She’s in there. You feel her in the boardroom and you feel her at the PTA meeting. She is apart of your every day. Some of us know how to feed her while others of us (raises hand slowly) are just standing by, nervously, watching her starve to death.
I gotta be honest here and tell you that I think my warrior is on her death bed. The doctor came by and told me to just shut off the machines because it was pointless (sad face). However, being the stubborn kinda girl I am, I refuse to do so because I know how strong she can be.
My chick has been waiting. Can you imagine a wild animal tearing at the bars of its cage? Welp…that’s my girl. She’s ruthless. She’s cut throat. And she’s hungry. She feeds off of words like “can’t” “you will never” “they are better than you”. I killed her, I think. I killed her because I thought as a wife and mother I was suppose to–she’s selfish and there’s no room for selfish when you are raising a family. Everyone’s needs must come before your own…right? There is no room for ruthless and cut throat. There is only room for cupcakes, PTA meetings, late night sex, and marital forgiveness. There is no room for f-u’s and hair over diapers. There is no room for me over everyone else–that is not the balance. The balance is emptying out her to allow more room for them. There is only room for diagnosis of death and the unplugging of the machines.
She stayed down as long as she could, but with my current circumstances being what they are she’s raring and ready to go. The only way I know to fuel her is through sweat…and blood…and tears…literally. I work well under physical pressure, which is exactly what I plan to do. Train for a marathon? Bring it. Do a Tri? I eat pain for breakfast. Lift heavy? I’m on it. Run Disney? I’m in it. I’m ready. She’s ready. Let the games begin…
Today I AM faithful in prayer. I had learned over the years that when one prays, they are to first be thankful…second be intentional…and third be faithful. As I have been reawakened by various life circumstances, the slight prayer education I received has played a major role in how I am able to still stand. The thankful part is simple and the intentional part is pretty easy too. It is that faithful part that messes up the whole thing. But I am learning quickly that the faithful part is just as important as the prayer itself. When you step to God with gratitude, purpose and intention, walk away knowing that it is already done. Expect the change. Expect the favor. Expect the answer you so boldly sought. It might not come when you want it or how you want it but it will always come when you need it.